Hoax Museum Blog: Sex/Romance

A Case of Vaginismus — This is an Ananova story. Which means that it's not very likely to be true:

Bit of a fix for bride and best man...
Doctors had to be called to separate the bride and best man after they were caught in the act during a wedding in Croatia.
The couple were trapped together by a muscle spasm after a friend of the groom walked in on them as they had sex in the toilets.
Unable to be pulled apart, the couple had to endure a procession of wedding guests who came to see what they had been doing before doctors could turn up.
Unable to help, they had to transport the pair on a stretcher to the local hospital where she was given an injection to relax her muscles, allowing the best man to get free.
The wedding party in Varazdin, Croatia, continued after the groom announced the celebrations were to mark his divorce rather than his wedding, reported daily Slobodna Dalmacija.

Tales of 'muscle spasms' locking couples together have been circulating for centuries. I think they're an urban legend, although vaginismus itself is a real enough disorder.

A similar tale appeared in an 1884 issue of Medical News, penned by a Dr. Egerton Yorrick Davis, who was the pseudonym of Dr. William Osler, a famous Professor of Medicine at Johns Hopkins University. Osler liked inventing strange stories like this and submitting them to medical journals using his Yorrick Davis alias. He did it throughout his entire career. If anyone has evidence of a real documented case of vaginismus locking a couple together, I'd like to hear about it.

Bride Audit — Here's a service that allows brides to make sure their guests give gifts that are of a high enough value:

Answer a few simple questions and we'll analyze the assets of your guests, decide their appropriate level of giving, and provide you with invoices that you can include in your invitations. It's not rude, it's helpful!

Unfortunately it's one of those joke sites that feel compelled to print a disclaimer ("this site is a parody. if you actually think this a good idea, there is something wrong with your priorities.") I often wonder why sites do this. I guess enough people actually fail to recognize when things are a joke to make it necessary.

Singles Wallpaper — If you live alone, then here's a product to alleviate your loneliness. It's Singles Wallpaper, which is basically life-sized pictures of people that you can stick on your wall, and then you can pretend that they're your friends. Unlike real people, who can be annoying and messy "The single-wallpaper is the complete opposite: it is always friendly and doesn't smoke, it likes watching "Friends" with you for the 100th time without ever complaining, it doesn't leave dirty socks lying around, it never protests against your ideas, and it always looks fresh and attractive ... even when, from time to time, you can't help losing your temper!"

Forget-Me-Not Panties — Here's something for the jealous, paranoid lover: forget-me-not panties. They're panties with a built-in gps device, so you'll always know where the wearer of them is.

This amazing device will answer all of your questions! These panties can give you her location, and even her temperature and heart rate, and she will never even know it's there! Unlike the cumbersome and uncomfortable chastity belts of the past, these panties are 100% cotton, and use cutting-edge technology to help you protect what matters most.

I think the site is one of the entries for the Contagious Media Project.

Runaway Bride Stuff on eBay — eBay has become like the internet's funhouse mirror for popular culture. Any widely reported event immediately gets reflected back in the form of strange eBay auctions. So with the Runaway Bride being the latest story in the news, it was inevitable that Runaway Bride stuff would soon show up on eBay. Here's a round-up of the most prominent of it:

Runaway Bride on Toast
Jennifer Wilbanks found on my morning breakfast toast. I still think her fiance did it !!! This is the one and only Toast Depicting The Scam Artict of the year Jennifer Wilbanks. Look at the eyes its her. Dont be fooled by others. Sold to high bidder shipping priority$3.85 Ebay tossed me off but im back!!! Just like Jen.

Authentic Wedding Invitation
Authentic Wedding Invitation for the wedding of Jennifer Wilbanks (the runaway bride) and John Mason.  the wedding was supposed to be on Saturday, April 30th.  Before she fled to New Mexico, we have this because we were invited to the wedding and are friends of the family.

Runaway Bride Kit
This kit will help any nervous Bride who wants to get away from all the pressure of getting married... Talking to your closest friends and family about your wedding day "cold feet" is a thing of the past! Get on that Bus and head out on a multi state joy ride across the country.

A New Kind of Moisturizer — Ananova reports that an entrepreneur down in Mexico has started selling a line of semen moisturizer:

Porn star Lyn May, who is in her sixties, is behind the company producing the cream.
Mrs May swears that the Semen moisturizer is capable of erasing wrinkles and leaves skin soft.
She told Las Ultimas Noticias: "I select attractive young man and pay them for their semen that is mixed with honey and oats to create the moisturiser."

Okay, despite the fact that it's gross to be selling this stuff, I believe that it's an urban legend that semen would work as a moisturizer. A quick google search reveals that someone has tested this out (maybe NSFW because of the general content, but all the images are SFW) and found that semen is indeed NOT a good moisturizer.

Get Naked Day — A teacher joked with his class that 'Get Naked Day' was going to be celebrated in his classroom. Students would get extra credit for participating. What he meant by this was that students were supposed to wear flipflops to an upcoming class so that they could easily slip them off to practice writing with their feet (they were going to be watching the movie 'My Left Foot'). But he thought students would find it funnier if he referred to flipflop day as 'Get Naked Day'. Some people are making a big fuss about this, saying the comment was too sexually suggestive. I'm not quite seeing that. Seems like a pretty harmless thing to me (unless he makes jokes like this all the time). What disturbs me more is the image of this old teacher trying to be hip and cool and funny, when you know all the kids are rolling their eyes and laughing at him, not with him. Kids can be so cruel.

Naked But Wearing Clothes — More pictures from my inbox. The pictures themselves aren't fake. I'm pretty sure of that. But they show a hoax of a kind. This is the caption that accompanies them:

This woman is actually walking down the street with no "real" clothes -- only those painted on her. The passersby didn't give her a second look because the paint looked so much like clothing. YES, she is naked!

I'll give links to the photos, not thumbnails, so that I can continue to claim this site is only 'R' rated. The pictures probably aren't safe for work since the woman is naked (except for her shoes), though she does look like she's wearing clothes, which is the entire point. I was trying to figure out what city she's in, but nothing looks familiar.
naked1.jpg | naked2.jpg | naked3.jpg | naked4.jpg

Wife For Sale — Another internet entrepreneur hoping to strike it rich. But he would probably get more takers if his wife had a birthmark that looked like the Virgin Mary, or something like that. From the site:

Well I think much people are wondering what this site is all about. I've got a very interesting offer for you all. I've been married 23 years with my wife Petra. Our relationship isn't anymore what it's used to be. She starts complaining when I look at younger girls or if I come home drunk. I've been using the internet since a few weeks ago now. I've seen much interesting things on the internet, especially the sites like E-bay. Selling and buying while staying home is one of the most interested things I've seen in a long time. After a short time I got a great idea. The idea to sell my wife, but E-bay banned me from using their site for some reason. That's why I've made this site, to sell my wife.

The Great Toothing Hoax — About a year ago 'Toothing' was the hot new thing everyone was talking about (well, okay, that a few people were talking about). It was the idea that people were using bluetooth-equipped mobile phones to find sexual partners in public places such as commuter trains. Toothers would beam messages to other people with mobile phones, 'Hey, wanna hook up?'... and if the answer was affirmative then off the two would go. This practice got a lot of media attention, but it's turned out that it was all a hoax dreamed up by Ste Curran and friends. He tells the story here. He decided to spill the beans after people on Slashdot (Jim Hanas in particular) started wondering what had ever become of the toothing craze. Jim contacted Curran, who was the creator of the original toothing forum, and got the confession. Curran states that: Despite all the made-up ramblings on websites across the globe, despite the forums and the fan-fiction, the tabloids and the broadsheets, the perverts and the simply curious, no-one has ever ever, ever toothed. There's always the possibility that toothing was real and Curran is lying when he now says that it was a hoax, but given the two options I think it seems more plausible that toothing was always a hoax.

The Erotic Diary of George Wendt — Here's a strange faux-celebrity blog that delves into the imagined sex life of George Wendt, who played the character Norm on Cheers. Includes posts such as: Crying yourself to sleep doesn't get you sympathy sex if you're alone. Need to remember that.That's one of the tamer posts. (Not safe for work because of language)

Wageningen Liberation Monument — Here's a strange story. I'm not sure whether or not it's a joke. Supposedly the Dutch village of Wageningen commissioned the construction of a war memorial shaped like "a giant copper obelisk that rises and falls depending on the level of sunlight, and spurts flames out of the top during important festivals." Only after they built it did they realize it looked exactly like a giant penis and hastily decided to scrap it. There are two reasons I'm skeptical about this. First, the source is listed as Ananova. Second, there already is a National Liberation Monument war memorial in Wageningen that's been there since the 1950s.

Find A Gay Neighborhood — A search engine called NeighborhoodScout claims that it will locate the top gay-friendly neighborhoods in any area: "NeighborhoodScout's patent-pending search engine will reveal and richly describe the top gay-friendly neighborhoods in your chosen area and price range." So how exactly does it do this? According to the site:

NeighborhoodScout® applies an exclusive, patent-pending algorithm to measure the similarity of neighborhoods based on customer-specified criteria, such that exact matches to what the customer wants are delivered instantly. This revolutionary approach is applied to the nearly 200 characteristics used to describe each of the more than 61,000 neighborhoods (i.e. census tracts) in America to create blazingly accurate matches, no matter what the customer is looking for in a neighborhood.

So I tested it out for San Diego. Anyone who lives in San Diego knows that Hillcrest would be the most gay-friendly neighborhood in the city. Did NeighborhoodScout pull up Hillcrest? No. It chose La Jolla as the most gay-friendly neighborhood. Well, La Jolla is definitely just about the most expensive area in San Diego, but I don't know about it being the most gay-friendly. I'm curious what criteria the search engine is using to locate gay neighborhoods, or whether it actually just pulls up neighborhoods based on price range.

Was Deep Throat The Most Profitable Movie Ever Made? — A recent documentary about the legendary '70s porn film Deep Throat includes the assertion that the movie was the most profitable film ever made. Why? Because it cost around $25,000 to make, and grossed over $600 million. Michael Hiltzik, writing for the LA Times, has been busy debunking that claim, first in an article that appeared February 24, and again in a follow-up article on March 10. He uses the technical term 'baloney' to describe the claim. He points out that a) the movie was financed by the mob, so any financial figures about it are suspect; and b) to have made that much "it would have had to sell tickets to enough customers to populate the entire United States one and a half times over" (given 1970s ticket prices). It would also have had to sell far more tickets than Star Wars ever sold. The makers of the Deep Throat documentary responded to Hiltzik, defending their claim (actually they end up claiming Deep Throat could have made far more than $600 million), but their defense reveals that they're basically pulling numbers out of thin air.

Sex, Death, and Maggots — I came across this story posted on LiveJournal. This may be an urban legend that's been around for a while, but I haven't heard it before:

Subject: The most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Ever.
So I know this girl. She has all these weird white things in the back of her throat, so she goes to the doctor thinkings she got some nasty STD of the mouth. Turns out its not an STD at all. She has f*****ng maggots growing in her throat. (I know this girl, this is not an urban legend) So the doctor asks how many people shes having sex with and she tells him only her boyfriend. She is told by the doctor that her boyfriend is either having sex with animals or with dead people. Her boyfriend works in a morgue.

Update: David Emery at About.com has a lengthy write-up about earlier versions of this story. So yes, it is an old urban legend.

Another Belle de Jour Theory — The Book Club blog has collected together more information than you'd ever want to know about the Belle de Jour blog, the supposed online diary of a London call girl that recently was published as a book. About a year ago there was a lot of speculation that Belle de Jour was really Sarah Champion, a 33-year-old music journalist. Now the Book Club blog is speculating that Belle is really a writer named Lisa Hilton.

Wedding Photos — A couple of weeks ago Stephen sent me a set of pictures showing an 'Arkansas Wedding' (the two pictures on the left). At the time I thought the pictures were funny, but obviously just a joke, so I forwarded them to a couple of friends and forgot about them. But now I see that Snopes has created an entry about them, which made me feel like I should have posted them when I first got them. So anyway, here they are. Better late than never. Snopes identifies the photo of the hillbilly couple as an entry in a Worth1000 contest ('If rednecks ruled the world') and the picture of the 'wedding cake' comes from the Twinkies website.

However, I believe I have Snopes scooped with this fake photo (on the far right) of the newly engaged Charles and Camilla. I know it's fake because that's obviously Charles's head photoshopped onto someone else's body.

The Gay Penguin Sex Test — Here's a story that I would have thought for sure was an April Fool's Day hoax, except that it's not April Fools. It involves four female penguins being brought from Sweden to the Bremerhaven Zoo in Germany in order to test whether the male penguins there are gay or straight. Apparently the males seem a little confused about their sexuality: "The males have been observed trying to mate with each other and trying to hatch offspring out of stones." So the zoo will add the females and see what happens. But reportedly gay activists are outraged by this, arguing that "penguins had a right to form couples without human interference." A more recent article reports that after a month the 'Swedish temptresses' have failed to turn the heads of the males. But are gay activists seriously protesting this, or are the protests tongue-in-cheek? Not being able to read the German sources, I'm not sure. If the Bremerhaven penguins really do turn out to be gay, then perhaps they can run for president.

Iron Hymen — Iron Hymen is obviously a spoof, but it's still funny. It pretends to be the homepage of the "Abstinence-Only Education Program... produced by the US Dept. of Health & Human Services and the White House Office of Youth Purity." It offers the First Lady's list of 'Ten Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys And Their Vile Private Parts', as well as testimonials such as this one: "thanks to Iron Hymen, my baby cave is better guarded than a maximum security prison". It seems to be a spin-off of the WhiteHouse.org parody site. Probably not safe for work because of the general subject matter.

Fake Marriage Proposal — During an Orlando Magic basketball game on Sunday a man asked his girlfriend to marry him in front of the entire crowd. But instead of saying yes, the woman ran away crying. Which I guess meant no. But two days later it was revealed that the entire thing had been a hoax, "an Orlando Magic marketing ploy to spice up the NBA experience." When I first saw this story I thought it was old news, because I could swear I remember almost the exact same stunt being pulled about a year ago at a different basketball game. The woman involved even looked similar. But although I've been searching I can't find a reference to the earlier incident anywhere. I'm wondering if it was the same couple each time. Maybe they specialize in this stunt.