Chuck Norris Facts

Status: Tall Tales
I don't know when the Chuck Norris facts first appeared on the internet. Many of you might already be aware of them. But just in case you're not, they're worth a look. Here's a few of the facts:

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is aware of these "facts" being spread about him. So far, he has generously allowed their authors to live.

Celebrities Folklore/Tall Tales

Posted on Thu Jan 12, 2006


Chuck Norris's penis is so big, it has its own penis, and it is still bigger than yours.
Posted by CNRK  in  everywhere  on  Wed Jul 19, 2006  at  08:55 AM
OK I created/discovered a new "fact" and this is the only way I could get iton the internet I hope it will one day make it to a big chuck norris joke site

When Chuck fires a gun he doesn't pull the trigger, he growls and the bullets run.
Posted by Danny Kool  in  Place  on  Thu Jul 20, 2006  at  10:55 PM
LOL chuck noriis sux so much dick that when he spits a loogie cum comes out of his butthole!!!
Posted by Evan smith  in  red bluff c.a  on  Sat Jul 22, 2006  at  01:01 AM
if chuck norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down
Posted by lebor  in  montana  on  Wed Jul 26, 2006  at  12:52 PM
chuck norris died once... he woke up several minutes latter and decided that didnt count

you may wonder why chuck norris has never been arrested for his murders and and rapes there is a simple explination for this... the cops are scared of him
Posted by steven B  in  chesapeake va  on  Sun Jul 30, 2006  at  08:13 PM
chuck norris cries but he never has
Posted by Giovanni Quiles  in  Clarksville ,TN  on  Mon Aug 07, 2006  at  02:34 PM
One day a kid was cracking chuck norris jokes , and chuck norris heard him and kicked his ass!
Posted by chance  on  Thu Aug 31, 2006  at  10:28 PM
All the people that make negetive comments about Chuck Norris are only jealous because no one on this planet has ever kicked so much ass. I tell people all of the time. . "If I could kick as much ass as Chuck Norris, I would never have to work again!"
Posted by Sam  in  Ohio  on  Sat Sep 02, 2006  at  11:45 AM
When Chuck Norris goes to Taco Bell he doesnt use hot sauce...he uses a volcano.
Posted by cody  in  hancock  on  Sat Sep 09, 2006  at  09:12 PM
Posted by VaginaPina  on  Sat Sep 30, 2006  at  09:36 AM
My personal favourites are
-The only hand which can beat a straight flush is Chuck Norris'.
-Chuck Norris has the best poker face of all time: he beat the 1983 poker worls series holding only a joker, a get-out-of-jail-free monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of diamonds and a green four from UNO.

Of course Chuck is beyond human. I've seen a couple of posters here that have said things like "Chuck Norris sucks" or even "Chuck Norris is one of the greatest". I'm pretty sure they're dead by know. Chuck have mercy.

Posted the 18th Chucktober, year 66 A.C.N.(after Chuck Norris)
Posted by Bobo  in  Lima-Peru  on  Wed Oct 18, 2006  at  02:40 PM
i looked up "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked and it gave me...122,000 results including this site.
Posted by vanessa  in  canada  on  Sun Oct 22, 2006  at  05:40 PM
When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake.. he doesn't get wet.. the water get's chuck norris!
Posted by alissa  on  Wed Oct 25, 2006  at  05:30 PM
I dont know where it comes from or how it got started but chuck norris did get his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in Fist of furry. In interviews from Bruce Lee he talks about how he had to hold back when fighting Chuck.
Posted by Cyscokid  in  Maryland  on  Fri Oct 27, 2006  at  08:21 PM
Posted by Cyscokid  in  Maryland  on  Fri Oct 27, 2006  at  08:29 PM
chuck Norris gets his ass kicked; anti_chuck_facts.htm
Posted by boner  in  yer ass  on  Sat Oct 28, 2006  at  01:56 AM
"Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" Disscusion alone probably is where half of the 113 000 links on google go to. That's how I found this page.
Posted by Labine50  on  Thu Nov 09, 2006  at  11:34 PM
When chuck norris get thirsty, he reaches for a tall cool glass of H3O!
Posted by WWCND  in  unknowforfearthatchuckwillfindme  on  Sun Nov 12, 2006  at  08:56 PM
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Posted by funnyshit  on  Thu Nov 16, 2006  at  03:01 PM
Posted by poop and a pee fart  on  Thu Nov 16, 2006  at  03:03 PM
Chuck Norris sleeps with his pillow under his gun
Posted by Michael  on  Sun Nov 19, 2006  at  01:33 AM
People might be able to piss on the floor, but only Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

This for any one who has ever watched Walker Texas Ranger."If you have ever noticed, Chuck's hat never falls off therefore defying gravity. This is because Chuck Norris is gravity. duh!
Posted by Michael  in  Arizona  on  Sun Nov 19, 2006  at  01:54 AM
any one who says "Chuck Norris sucks will die from a
"Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face
Posted by adam  on  Thu Nov 30, 2006  at  03:20 PM
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol

Remember:Chuck Norris giveth,Chuck Norris Taketh away.
Posted by Baron_Creel  in  on the run from Chuck Norris  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  09:54 PM
... and so Chuck Norris rubbed his beard upon the ground for seven days and on the eigth day round house kicked it into oblivion thus proving "Chuck Norris giveth Chuck Norris taketh away."

(original postingas far as I can find)
Posted by Baron_Creel  in  on the run from Chuck Norris  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  10:27 PM
... and so Chuck Norris rubbed his beard upon the ground for seven days, thus creating the universe, and on the eigth day round house kicked it into oblivion thus proving "Chuck Norris giveth Chuck Norris taketh away."
Posted by Baron_Creel  in  on the run from Chuck Norris  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  10:37 PM
Chuck Norris' sperm is so nutricious, one load can feed the entire cuntry of China. And it's tasty, too. I should know. I'm gay for the Chuckster.
Posted by George Lindner  in  Dumont, NJ  on  Tue Dec 12, 2006  at  03:54 AM
Chuck Norris once fought Kwai Chang Caine:Caine became frustrated at not being able to land a hit, and lost his temper.Chuck Norris set him back on the path of Zen tranquility by calmly roundhouse kicking him.
Meditate on this.
Posted by Quentin  in  your blind spot  on  Sat Dec 16, 2006  at  09:07 PM
Chuck Norris does not teabag people. He potato sacks them.
Posted by Anonymous  on  Sun Dec 17, 2006  at  09:47 PM
Chuck Noris Rules all, even in Italy!!!!
Posted by jake  in  cockland  on  Sun Jan 14, 2007  at  06:55 AM
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