Status: Tall Tales
I don't know when the
Chuck Norris facts first appeared on the internet. Many of you might already be aware of them. But just in case you're not, they're worth a look. Here's a few of the facts:
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris
is aware of these "facts" being spread about him. So far, he has generously allowed their authors to live.
Comments
Little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. Little boys are made of slugs and snails and puppy-dog's tails. Chuck Norris is made of four Bengal tigers and a gorilla.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can kick you in the back of the face.
if i don't send another post, then i'm dead... killed by chuck norris
Chuck Norris' hockey team is always on a powerplay because, well, it's Chuck Norris' team.
This message is really written by Chuck Norris explaining the last few moments of one of his victims.
chuck norris is never lost...he's MIA
a cat went into the Chuck Norris Dojo and came out an hour later as a lion
Chuck Norris once banged Lara Croft. To this day, here pelvis is still broken.
2. the dinosaurs mouthed chuck norris once, once.
3. chuck norris counted to infinity, twice.
4. chuck norris can slam a revolving door.
5. some say chuck norris can walk on water, but the truth behind that is he just floats above it due to the fact of the water being afraid touching him.
CHUCK NORRIS CAN SHOOT YOU WITH A KNIFE
CHUCK NORRIS DOESN'T LOVE RAYMOND
He has also vowed not to sleep until he has hunted them down and made them pay for the abomination they have brought upon the world
2. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
3. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
4. Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
5. Chuck Norris sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
9. Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.
10. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
12. Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
15. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
16. Chuck Norris was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
17. Chuck Norris's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
18. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
19. A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris
27. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
28. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
29. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
30. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
31. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
32. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
33. Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
34. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
35. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
36. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
37. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
38. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
39. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
41. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
42. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
43. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
44. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
47. Chuck Norris does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
48. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
49. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
50. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
# Chuck Norris can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
# On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
# Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
# Chuck Norris invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
# Fifty years ago, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
# Chuck Norris doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
# Chuck Norris has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
# People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Chuck Norris
# Chuck Norris is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
# Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
# Chuck Norris is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
# Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
# Q: How many Chuck Norris's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
# Chuck Norris irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
# Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
# Circles exist because Chuck Norris beat the crap out of some squares.
# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
# Chuck Norris was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.