Chuck Norris Facts

Status: Tall Tales
I don't know when the Chuck Norris facts first appeared on the internet. Many of you might already be aware of them. But just in case you're not, they're worth a look. Here's a few of the facts:

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is aware of these "facts" being spread about him. So far, he has generously allowed their authors to live.

Celebrities Folklore/Tall Tales

Posted on Thu Jan 12, 2006



Comments

The premise of the show 24, staring Keifer Sutherland, is actually based on the true life story of Chuck Norris' beard.
Posted by P.J.  on  Tue Apr 25, 2006  at  08:42 AM
chuk norris is chuk norrris duh by the way chuk norris is not all people think he is the jokes are old stop telling them already
Posted by beemlord  on  Tue May 02, 2006  at  02:24 PM
I found this facts generator too! LOL can't get enough chuck!

http://www.ninjadude.com/chuck-norris-facts-generator.php
Posted by Stephen  on  Wed May 10, 2006  at  03:26 AM
chuck is dumb
Posted by roberto  on  Wed May 10, 2006  at  07:18 AM
chuck norris was going to be on the next UFC pay per view, but when his opponent was told he was fighting the chuck he immediatly tapped out.
Posted by kent  on  Wed May 10, 2006  at  11:02 PM
one day chuck norris was in the forest looking for hippies to use as firewood, when he came across a wild boar. He telekinetically lifted the boar into the air with his mind and gutted it.
Posted by eballa  on  Fri May 12, 2006  at  02:58 PM
Boo.
Posted by Chuck Norris  on  Sat May 13, 2006  at  02:56 PM
Actually, by now there are 2 image results for "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked," but neither of them have anything to do with what their titled. It's probably your fault, as with web pages about asses being kicked popped up when you said there weren't any. But whatever.

I bet someday there will be a nut that will kick poor Chuck Norris in the ass, just for so, because of everybody talking about it

And he won't be able to roundhouse kick and kill him because, realistically, that's illegal.

And then somebody will take a picture and post it on Google. Old un-updated Chuck Norris sites will look stupid(er) because there are millions of controdictions to popular jokes.

But whatever, go on with your stupid jokes and have fun. Buttbrains.
Posted by the Nerd Table's official Pimp  on  Sat May 13, 2006  at  03:23 PM
CHECK OUT http://www.thepeon.com AND GO TO JOKES, AT THE TOP, THERE IS A GIANT LIST OF CHUCK NORRIS JOKES. HILLARIOUS!!!
Posted by Noah H.  on  Sun May 14, 2006  at  04:16 PM
chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad


chuck norris went to the virgin islands and wen he left it was just the islands
Posted by nick  on  Sun May 14, 2006  at  08:17 PM
HEY DONT MAKE FU OF CANADA IN THAT JOKE ON THE FIRST PAGE!
Posted by bob  on  Wed May 17, 2006  at  05:48 PM
Chuck Norris once cried for 40 days and 40 nights.
Posted by jj blankenship  on  Fri May 19, 2006  at  10:00 PM
lol, I came here cuz I searched for "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked." this is POINTLESS! I was at YTMND and it showed the same thing with 0 results. yes, I'm gullible sometimes, I wanted to try it. trust me, I'm an idiot and have a bunch of idiotic cheer friends:
yeah...so this is pointless...I think...
Posted by Emily  on  Sat May 20, 2006  at  06:35 PM
Chuck Norris got bored with the UFC, so he started his own fighting organization, the World Combat League, aka Kicboxing on Steroids.

http://www.worldcombatleague.com

*Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
Posted by Bob Wall v.2  on  Thu Jun 01, 2006  at  01:54 AM
When Chuck Norris 'insert stupid everyday trivia' something something round-house kick 'insert fragile part of the body or a fact that will chock all positivists'. Now, laugh!
Posted by Michel Foucault  on  Wed Jun 07, 2006  at  11:39 AM
Yes, it is true.
I am, indeed, Chuck Norris's love child.
Posted by Chiquita Norrison  on  Sun Jun 18, 2006  at  07:27 PM
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Posted by t  on  Thu Jun 22, 2006  at  05:49 AM
DID YOU GUYS KNOW, THAT CHUCK NORRIS SLEEPS WITH A NIGHTLIGHT, NOT BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID OF THE DARK, BUT BECAUSE THE DARK IS AFRAID OF CHUCK NORRIS!!! AHAHAHAHA! WTF IT IS SOO FUNNY! HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD THAT ONE?
Posted by boochi boo  on  Sat Jun 24, 2006  at  12:50 AM
we get it, chuck norris is a god, all gods have giant genitals and give everyone round house kicks to the face, do we really need ten thousand nerds like me making repetitive jokes about it!!! by the way chuck noris doesnt go hunting huntting implyes a chance of failure chuck noris goes killing.
Posted by sum guy  on  Wed Jul 05, 2006  at  10:57 AM
Chuck Norris's penis is so big, it has its own penis
Posted by sch1tz0  on  Sat Jul 08, 2006  at  11:42 PM
Chuck Norris's penis is so big, it has its own penis, and it is still bigger than yours.
Posted by CNRK  on  Wed Jul 19, 2006  at  08:55 AM
OK I created/discovered a new "fact" and this is the only way I could get iton the internet I hope it will one day make it to a big chuck norris joke site

When Chuck fires a gun he doesn't pull the trigger, he growls and the bullets run.
Posted by Danny Kool  on  Thu Jul 20, 2006  at  10:55 PM
:lol: chuck noriis sux so much dick that when he spits a loogie cum comes out of his butthole!!!
Posted by Evan smith  on  Sat Jul 22, 2006  at  01:01 AM
if chuck norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down
Posted by lebor  on  Wed Jul 26, 2006  at  12:52 PM
chuck norris died once... he woke up several minutes latter and decided that didnt count

you may wonder why chuck norris has never been arrested for his murders and and rapes there is a simple explination for this... the cops are scared of him
Posted by steven B  on  Sun Jul 30, 2006  at  08:13 PM
chuck norris cries but he never has
Posted by Giovanni Quiles  on  Mon Aug 07, 2006  at  02:34 PM
One day a kid was cracking chuck norris jokes , and chuck norris heard him and kicked his ass!
Posted by chance  on  Thu Aug 31, 2006  at  10:28 PM
All the people that make negetive comments about Chuck Norris are only jealous because no one on this planet has ever kicked so much ass. I tell people all of the time. . "If I could kick as much ass as Chuck Norris, I would never have to work again!"
Posted by Sam  on  Sat Sep 02, 2006  at  11:45 AM
When Chuck Norris goes to Taco Bell he doesnt use hot sauce...he uses a volcano.
Posted by cody  on  Sat Sep 09, 2006  at  09:12 PM
I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS !!!!
Posted by VaginaPina  on  Sat Sep 30, 2006  at  09:36 AM
My personal favourites are
-The only hand which can beat a straight flush is Chuck Norris'.
-Chuck Norris has the best poker face of all time: he beat the 1983 poker worls series holding only a joker, a get-out-of-jail-free monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of diamonds and a green four from UNO.

Of course Chuck is beyond human. I've seen a couple of posters here that have said things like "Chuck Norris sucks" or even "Chuck Norris is one of the greatest". I'm pretty sure they're dead by know. Chuck have mercy.

Posted the 18th Chucktober, year 66 A.C.N.(after Chuck Norris)
Posted by Bobo  on  Wed Oct 18, 2006  at  02:40 PM
i looked up "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked and it gave me...122,000 results including this site.
Posted by vanessa  on  Sun Oct 22, 2006  at  05:40 PM
When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake.. he doesn't get wet.. the water get's chuck norris!
Posted by alissa  on  Wed Oct 25, 2006  at  05:30 PM
I dont know where it comes from or how it got started but chuck norris did get his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in Fist of furry. In interviews from Bruce Lee he talks about how he had to hold back when fighting Chuck.
Posted by Cyscokid  on  Fri Oct 27, 2006  at  08:21 PM
chuck Norris gets his ass kicked;
http://www.pointsincase.com/ anti_chuck_facts.htm
Posted by boner  on  Sat Oct 28, 2006  at  01:56 AM
"Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" Disscusion alone probably is where half of the 113 000 links on google go to. That's how I found this page.
Posted by Labine50  on  Thu Nov 09, 2006  at  11:34 PM
When chuck norris get thirsty, he reaches for a tall cool glass of H3O!
Posted by WWCND  on  Sun Nov 12, 2006  at  08:56 PM
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Posted by funnyshit  on  Thu Nov 16, 2006  at  03:01 PM
Posted by poop and a pee fart  on  Thu Nov 16, 2006  at  03:03 PM
Chuck Norris sleeps with his pillow under his gun
Posted by Michael  on  Sun Nov 19, 2006  at  01:33 AM
People might be able to piss on the floor, but only Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

This for any one who has ever watched Walker Texas Ranger."If you have ever noticed, Chuck's hat never falls off therefore defying gravity. This is because Chuck Norris is gravity. duh!
Posted by Michael  on  Sun Nov 19, 2006  at  01:54 AM
any one who says "Chuck Norris sucks will die from a
"Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face
Posted by adam  on  Thu Nov 30, 2006  at  03:20 PM
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.


Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol

Remember:Chuck Norris giveth,Chuck Norris Taketh away.
Posted by Baron_Creel  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  09:54 PM
... and so Chuck Norris rubbed his beard upon the ground for seven days and on the eigth day round house kicked it into oblivion thus proving "Chuck Norris giveth Chuck Norris taketh away."

(original postingas far as I can find)
Posted by Baron_Creel  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  10:27 PM
... and so Chuck Norris rubbed his beard upon the ground for seven days, thus creating the universe, and on the eigth day round house kicked it into oblivion thus proving "Chuck Norris giveth Chuck Norris taketh away."
Posted by Baron_Creel  on  Fri Dec 01, 2006  at  10:37 PM
Chuck Norris' sperm is so nutricious, one load can feed the entire cuntry of China. And it's tasty, too. I should know. I'm gay for the Chuckster.
Posted by George Lindner  on  Tue Dec 12, 2006  at  03:54 AM
Chuck Norris once fought Kwai Chang Caine:Caine became frustrated at not being able to land a hit, and lost his temper.Chuck Norris set him back on the path of Zen tranquility by calmly roundhouse kicking him.
Meditate on this.
Posted by Quentin  on  Sat Dec 16, 2006  at  09:07 PM
Chuck Norris does not teabag people. He potato sacks them.
Posted by Anonymous  on  Sun Dec 17, 2006  at  09:47 PM
Chuck Noris Rules all, even in Italy!!!!
Posted by jake  on  Sun Jan 14, 2007  at  06:55 AM
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