Safe and Secure

Here's an amusing email that's making the rounds:
I want to thank all of you!
To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the last year.
Because of your concern:

  • I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

  • I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

  • I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS

  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

  • I no longer want to pump my own gas - where I will either get AIDS or cause an explosion by cell phone or static.

  • I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

  • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

  • I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

  • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

  • I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bath tub full of ice.

  • I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer.

  • I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.

  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.

  • I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 12,000,000 of your closest friends in the next 6 0 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at exactly 5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

Email Hoaxes

Posted on Fri Oct 08, 2004


Nuts. A large bird with diarrhea just crapped on my head.
Posted by AqueousBoy  on  Fri Oct 08, 2004  at  03:51 PM
I've gotten most of these e-mails. So have you, no doubt.
The cell phone/brain cancer one is actually true, but no one seems to care. Maybe that's because they're too busy avoiding theater seats, gas pumps, Dr. Pepper, KFC, kidney thieves, Proctor & Gamble, etc., to pay attention.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Oct 08, 2004  at  04:31 PM
Do people still forward these emails to their friends?
Posted by Ariel  on  Fri Oct 08, 2004  at  06:07 PM
I'm not sure "friend" is the most accurate term for someone who sends you this kind of message.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Oct 08, 2004  at  06:29 PM
Thanks for giving me a chuckle. You forgot to add that the air we breathe and the water we drink will also cause cancer and a myriad of other horrible conditions!
Posted by Linda  on  Sat Oct 09, 2004  at  10:57 AM
The cellphone/brain cancer one is NOT true. There are so many people using cell phones, we would know without a doubt if it was. The radio output power of cell phones is too weak to cause harm.

They also transmit frequent link checks even when you are not making a call. With everyone wearing them on their belts, why doesn't anyone ever get stomach cancer?
Posted by Captain Al  on  Sat Oct 09, 2004  at  12:07 PM
omg my grandmother and all her friends are boycotting target because they're french and don't support our troops. I KNEW IT WAS FAKE!!! gullible old women ... so annoying
Posted by john  on  Sat Oct 09, 2004  at  12:48 PM
Posted by Shah  on  Sat Oct 09, 2004  at  05:30 PM
Tehe...the local morning radio show read that on my morning commute Thursday. After they read it, it was amazing the # of people that called them to tell them that some of those things are really true, because they know someone that it happened to!! Someone mentioned as a resource to check these out. If I'd had time I would have told them to check out museum of
Posted by Maegan  on  Sun Oct 10, 2004  at  11:05 AM
Captain Al asks why phones don't cause stomach cancer - the email I received explained that it is the testes that aremost affected, and that carrying a mobile in your pocket or on a belt results in low sperm counts and impotence. The email was written by someone who worked for a research team that tested this and found it to be true (although it was forwarded to me by a friend) so there is no reason to doubt its veracity. I for one have heeded the warning, as I have no desire to become impotent - YOU SHOULD TOO!
Posted by Paul in Prague  on  Mon Oct 11, 2004  at  05:34 AM
All these warnings are true...that's why we're all dead.
Posted by Gee...  on  Mon Oct 11, 2004  at  01:50 PM
Captain Al, of course many people DO get stomach cancer, as well as brain cancer.
The argument never was that cell phones will give cancer immediately to 100% of the people who use them. Rather, it is that using a cell phone increases your risk of getting cancer by some significant degree.
To establish this, you really need pretty sophisticated epidemiological studies. I haven't done any such studies, but some respected medical researchers have, and what they found is pretty disturbing.
Your argument is sort of like the one smokers use when they say, "I smoke, and I'm still alive-- therefore it can't be true that smoking kills people."
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Oct 11, 2004  at  02:50 PM
Has anyone noticed how no one says "They" anymore...that cliche has been replaced with "Researchers" and "Respected Scientists" and "Studies"...still the same thing though...if you can give NAMES and specific information on who said this crazy stuff...then it's still the infamous "THEY"...and we're all dead.
Posted by Gee...  on  Tue Oct 12, 2004  at  11:43 AM
Woops...Meant to say "if you CAN'T give NAMES, etc."
Posted by Gee...  on  Tue Oct 12, 2004  at  11:44 AM
In other words this person is on the next bus to the mental hospital. The one in the e-mail that is.
Posted by Dany  on  Tue Oct 12, 2004  at  03:45 PM
Show me the data from the 'pretty sophisticated epidemiological studies". Who are the medical researchers? Were there results published in a respected medical journal? What do their peers think of them and their study?

My point was that the brain cancer danger is the only one ever mentioned about cell phone radiation. If it is true, logically there should also be other effects. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about them?

This has all the signs of an urban legend. Having personally worked in UHF/microwave radio research and development, I have doubts about the danger of low-level radio waves. Show me the proof.
Posted by Captain Al  on  Wed Oct 13, 2004  at  02:29 AM
Captain Al...
Like I said, "Researchers", "Respected Scientists", "Studies"'s just a fancy way to refer to the infamous "They".
Posted by Gee...  on  Wed Oct 13, 2004  at  11:23 AM
Right Gee.

I wonder where a researcher would get any data on this subject. If someone is diagnosed with brain cancer, does the doctor ask them if they use a cell phone? Is there a questionaire? Or maybe there is a 'Cell Phone User' check box on the toe tag in the morgue.
Posted by Captain Al  on  Wed Oct 13, 2004  at  02:14 PM
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