Status: Etiquette advice
Miss Manners recently tackled the question of whether it's better to be honest (and unpleasant) or to be fake-nice.
A correspondent asked her:
How can one deal (correct word?) with nice people, saying "all the right things," without meaning any of it? It's just been driving me crazy as it seems to be occurring more and more.
Miss Manners responded that it would be a disaster if people were always brutally honest:
This is not an affliction, Miss Manners assures you. It is a blessing. For the last several decades, people have been saying all the wrong things that they really mean, from "I can't use this" instead of "Thank you" for a present; "Only a moron would think that" instead of "I'm afraid we disagree" in a political discussion and "You've put on a lot of weight" instead of "How nice to see you" on seeing an acquaintance. If they are learning to say the right thing, good for them. In time, they will learn to say it more convincingly.
Along these same lines, in
The Post-Truth Era: Dishonesty and Deception in Contemporary Life, Ralph Keyes points out the extent to which being fake-nice is the socially accepted thing to do:
How often do we lie and get lied to? All sorts of figures get bandied about. I've seen estimates that range from two hundred times a day to once. One study concluded that we tell thirteen lies a week on the average. Another found that some form of deception occurs in nearly two-thirds of all conversations. If this sounds far-fetched, bear in mind that the most frequent lie of all is "Fine" (in response to the question "How are you?"). This fib is so ubiquitous that deception researcher Bella DePaulo excused subjects from recording it in records they kept of every lie they told in a week's time.
I definitely agree that most of the time it's better to be fake nice. If I ask someone how they're doing, I don't really want to hear about their bad back and ingrown toenail. But on the other hand, I think Miss Manners needs to provide some guidance for those cases in which fake happiness goes too far. For instance, my wife used to have a constantly upbeat co-worker whose favorite expression was "Yayyyyy!" She managed to use that word a couple times every hour: "That's Great! Yayyy!.... Awesome! Yayyyy!" My wife had to listen to this constant stream of peppiness all day. Not to be cynical, but surely there must come a point when it becomes socially acceptable to subject such people to various forms of medieval torture?
Related Posts:
March 17, 2006:
Fake Smiles May Cause Depression
Comments
When you genuinely like something, express YOUR feelings towards the present ("I love it!", "I really needed one of these!", "I'll probably use it every day!", etc).
When you don't like something, describe the PRESENT's qualities instead ("This is certainly useful in a household!", "It's carefully crafted!", "This must have costed a fortune!", etc).
I think it makes sense, it doesn't offend, and it's definitely driving the message home, especially when you say you "love it!" when opening the next present. 😊
And great comments by all you guys!
I was, like "Wow, that's insightful!" all the time I was reading this!
Keep up the good work everyone!
Yayyy!
I also don't answer "Fine" to all the "how are yous"...I will often just say "okay".
Common in Britain, one may deal with a person, a problem, situation, task etc..
As in; "I'll deal with it"
Not used in the US?
However, if I do my genuine feelings towards something, I have found it can be labelled "inappropriate behaviour" by other people. So, I sometimes just put on a fake smile, swallow my real feelings and fantasise about abrading people's faces using a belt sander.
90% of the calls I receive each day involve the other party asking me how I am. Honestly, I don't know these people and they don't know me. Do they really care?
Fake politeness has become so commonplace that people don't even realize they're doing it any more. People just run on automatic and don't even think about what they're saying.
Not that I'm not guilty of it myself, of course.
😊
People get on the phone with me & do this: HiI'mJoePolicyholder. HowareyouIneedtoreportanaccident.
They say it - but I bet if I played the call back to them - they would be totally surprised they said it. I call claims office & say, "Hi, this is Maegan, in Tampa, I have an existing claim for you." Their reply: Hi, Maegan, great, I'm fine, what's the claim number? I'm not sure if they're pointing out that I didn't ask them how they were - or if they were simply talking without even realizing what they've said. Sometimes they'll answer the phone, "This is Brian, how are you doing today?" I ignore the question & move on. I'm not a customer - he doesn't have to pretend to be nice to me.
and the only place you can practice it is around other members...
Today I'm just walking through the store half zoned out and the silly bitch arranging the shelves shoots her fake niceness at me. Now I have this burden to be fake polite back. Which I refuse to do anymore. 'Are you finding everything ok today sir'. I just drolly roll out yeah fine.
Some of these people speak to you like they speak to a dog. Yes wag your tail for me because I'm speaking in an excited, friendly, tone for you.
I aint no dog and dont perform for these zipperheads.
and about personal appearances, its called having respect for yourself...