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Hitman Professional Killings
Status: Hoax website
If you're ever shopping around for a contract killer, look no further than HITMAN, "The most trusted name in professional killings." They conveniently take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. Plus, they offer "discounts for packages of three hits or more, as long as the marks are all grouped together in one geographic location, and as long as our services have to be rendered all within the same timeframe." I'm impressed by their list of 'greatest hits' that includes: "Olympic Medallist Dies in Failed Suicide Attempt;" "Used-car Dealer Drowns in Public Restroom;" "Chef Found Roasted (With Stuffing) Inside Own Oven;" "Surgeon Dies in Apparent Self-surgery Attempt;" and "Poet Commits Suicide by Firing Two Rounds into Own Head." (Thanks to Mike for the link)
Categories: Death, Law/Police/Crime
Posted by Alex on Mon Mar 14, 2005
Comments (37)
More from the Hoax Museum Archives:
"I thought this site was a joke, so I sent them an email, as a joke, and asked if they would consider killing my schoolteacher for free, because I was a student and couldn't afford to pay them. Next morning there were a hundred police cars in front of my school, and I walked in just as they were carrying a corpse in a body bag. When I checked my email, later on, I got a reply with one word: 'done'. It was kind of scary, but I guess I'm glad. I never told anyone."

V.J. -- High school Student

I might try that...
Posted by davetolomy  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  09:29 AM
I will do these same kind of task for "HALF the price" of the competitor!!!
Posted by X  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  09:34 AM
HITMAN is a cruelty-free organization. None of our services have been tested on animals.

Very funny.
Posted by Charybdis  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  10:31 AM
Look under contracts!

I'm definitely going for the gift certificate option!
Posted by Nick  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  01:47 PM
Wouldn't it suck to get someone a gift certificate for this place, and, four days later, disappear?

Guess they weren't worth the cash spent, then.
Posted by Rod  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  01:54 PM
On Monday, March 14, 2005 at 16:05:48 you asked our
`HITMAN -- FAQ Help Wizard` a question. The Wizard has the answer:

Stop asking questions, or you'll end up like all the other one-hit wonders. Feel free to contact us if you need any additional information.

Than you for your inquiry,
HITMAN -- Professional Killings

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Posted by Yaanu  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  02:06 PM
Y'know, I must have needed the services of a professional killer a lot back in High School... I seem to remember saying: "Howzabout a hit man" a lot. A real lot.
Posted by Hairy Houdini  on  Mon Mar 14, 2005  at  06:02 PM
I checked out who the domain is registered to, Edios, they make video games. This is probably a site about the video game Hitman. You may have heard of the game. This is just a site to make you buy their game,guriella advertising.
Posted by J. Thompson  on  Thu Mar 17, 2005  at  05:57 AM
IF it were real, don't you think they would use a facade, a cover-up? Don't you think they would use fake domain names as a means to throw people off?

Face it, the only way to know is if you're adept at getting info or if you actually use the service itself for 50k. BTW, ever consider that this could be a sting operation by undercover cops acting like hitmen? Read some news articles, it's classic.

Enigmas such as this is best left alone unless you're a good swimmer.
Posted by b  on  Mon Oct 03, 2005  at  06:23 PM
oh take a look at this,

Says that it's a parody web site. clears up why this site hasn't been trashed yet.
Posted by b  on  Mon Oct 03, 2005  at  06:27 PM
scratch that, it is a guerilla advertising from the makers of hitman.
Posted by s  on  Mon Oct 03, 2005  at  06:34 PM
I'm just going to point out that solicitations for, or offers of, assassination are illegal and open you up to potential investigation by the FBI.

Have a nice day.
Posted by Charybdis  on  Fri Dec 30, 2005  at  02:41 PM
It's all talk until someone actually takes action (like paying advance monies to an alleged hitman) in exchange for certain actions. This would show proof of conspiracy to commit murder.

These days, the gov can investigate pretty much anyone they want to - as long as there's nothing to trace, it's their time to waste. Once the deed is done, assuming both client and hitman are pros, careful and keep their mouths shut . . .
Posted by z  on  Sun Jan 01, 2006  at  08:01 AM
Guess again. Solicitation is illegal, whether you intend to follow through or not. While it's unlikely that anything would come of it being posted here, it's not worth the trouble.
Posted by Charybdis  on  Sun Jan 01, 2006  at  11:17 AM
I definitely agree that posting anything that even appears to be a solicitation on this or any other public site is a bad idea that, regardless of ultimate intent, would draw unwanted attention.

I recommend that anyone seriously interested in this particular topic obtain unhackable e-mail accounts (such as those offered through Hushmail) and use direct communications for further discussions.

Any other thoughts, ideas or suggestions?
Posted by z  on  Sun Jan 01, 2006  at  10:03 PM
Come on people,
it states that it is a parody site - see bottom right hand corner - disclaimer.

If you can spend time moaning about how illegal it is, then get your facts right. I am dreading more stupid people saying that "It is a real hitman site, it just has a disclaimer to pretend that it is a parody"

I am guessing that you are all Americans.
Posted by Not so gullable person  on  Wed Jan 25, 2006  at  02:37 PM
Well I think the kid that didn't pay for the killing (top Post) probably died. Why? well read this on the website!
"In the event that you are unable to pay the balance in full by due time, you don't have to put any effort into trying to contact us -- we will find you."
He is gonna be in a grave soon! And his parents will have his autopsy report!
Posted by Jonathan  on  Sun Jun 18, 2006  at  08:37 PM
Look at the Recources page. It has a strategy guide for Hitman 2. That either means it is a joke site, or all hitmen are pro gamers...
Posted by Bash  on  Mon Aug 28, 2006  at  09:41 PM
To state the obvious:

Yes, this site is in fact a parody.
Posted by Hitman 47  on  Fri Sep 01, 2006  at  12:22 PM
Hahaha! That's cute, real cute, you actually think that a hit man or a handler would use the internet to get contracts?! That leaves evidence all over your hard drive! In any case, it's mostly done in person. Most hit men work alone, without an 'agency' simply because it's more cost efficient. I have heard of handlers though, but not on a national level, more like a mob, working a specific area... Wiki 'contract killing' and read up on your crimes. Most marks are an unwanted spouse or a witness, in either case, $50,000 would be more likely put towards a lawyer, normal hits are about $12,000 which makes them appealing... god, you're all so very incompetent, I hope you all work in cubicals!
Posted by Sociopath  on  Fri Jan 19, 2007  at  10:10 PM
can someone please burn ---------- down
Posted by Natalie  on  Thu Apr 26, 2007  at  06:51 PM
Natalie, solicitation for arson is a crime. You might want to remember that the next time you go splattering your IP adress out there like that.
Posted by Charybdis  on  Fri Apr 27, 2007  at  08:52 AM
I personally met the owner and give me work.
Posted by Ale  on  Thu May 03, 2007  at  06:13 PM
Good to know you're seriously working for the hoax business.
Posted by Boo  on  Thu May 03, 2007  at  08:21 PM
Comon guys, first of all this is a joke website. Its main purpose is to sell t-shirts. Second of all its military strength encryption is nothing but regular old AES 256 bit encryption that can be cracked in under 2 seconds. 3rd of all the government knows shit. Ive seen them all cia/fbi/nsa/dnd/marshall
all idiots. Unless your a noob at everything you wont get caught. Finnaly the site has been replaced with just the t-shirt order.
Posted by letemrip  on  Sat May 12, 2007  at  04:54 PM
yo whats up i need one of these were have u been all my life
Posted by orech  on  Sat Jun 16, 2007  at  08:54 PM

I think this is a joke.

There is no such thing or person as a hitman
its all a game
ha ha
Posted by Alicia  on  Mon Apr 21, 2008  at  07:17 PM
hahaha you guys are dumb if you think this is real x) just read the disclaimer x) there is no need to search more.

you will find something like this:

Posted by PP  on  Sat Aug 16, 2008  at  04:32 PM
Oh my god...why dont you all have a close read of the disclaimer page of that websit
Posted by jake  on  Fri Sep 05, 2008  at  06:43 AM
hey sociopath...i have some questions. How do u know "it's mostly done in person"? u try to make it sound like u know everything about hitman "leaves prints all over your hard-drive". i mean, come on, i've been doing contract killings for years on the internet and no one has put me behind bars. really. only amatuers get caught. u know what, have it your way. tell every1 that you can't do it over the internet anyway. maybe they'll believe u and wont' look for me.
Posted by KillBilly  on  Fri Sep 12, 2008  at  02:40 PM
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