Win A Book, Contest #2

image I've received a free copy of David Wilton's new book, Word Myths: Debunking Linguistic Urban Legends, courtesy of Oxford University Press. So I'm having a contest to give it away. The book has just been published. I'm not sure it's even out in stores yet, but you can get a copy here... if you win the contest.

First, what's the book about? Wilton debunks all those stories about where words come from, such as 'is GOLF really an acronym for Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden?' or 'does SOS stand for Save Our Souls?' or 'was F**K originally an acronym meaning For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge?' You'll have to get the book to find out the answers. It's a lot of fun, and quite enlightening.

Here's what I've decided for the contest: urban legend haiku. I figure this is appropriate since it's a book about urban legends and language. Whoever comes up with the best haiku describing an urban legend (or a hoax, since this is the Museum of Hoaxes) wins the contest. What's 'best' will, of course, be subjectively decided by me.

If you need inspiration, examples of urban legend haiku can be found here or here. I'm not going to be a stickler about whether or not entries maintain proper haiku form (three lines: first line five syllables, second line seven syllables, third line five syllables), since apparently the idea that haiku must adhere strictly to this form is itself a bit of an urban legend. Keep it to three lines, but if the number of syllables isn't perfect, I don't care.

Here's my own rather weak attempt at a hoax haiku. It took me all of a minute to write:

Enclosed in glass,
Soon she'll be rectangular,
My Bonsai Kitten.


You'll have to do better than this to win the book.

The contest will end on Nov. 20, about a week from today (oh, and you can submit as many haiku as you like).
Update: And one more thing, submit your entries as comments. Don't email them to me directly.
Update: Okay, the contest is now closed. I need a day or two to review all the entries.

Miscellaneous Urban Legends

Posted on Fri Nov 12, 2004



Comments

Ev'ry stick of gum
I've ever chewed and swallowed
Is still inside me.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:01 PM
Hot water freezes
Faster than cold water does.
Simple, isn't it?
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:03 PM
In elevator,
big black man with dog says, "Sit!"
So everyone does.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:12 PM
I had the biggest
beehive hairdo in town, 'til
spiders ate my brain.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:14 PM
A Boese is Fine
Living the High Life with Bev
Happy Forever
Posted by Beverley  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:15 PM
Cement truck driver
gets revenge on wife's amour.
For sale: new Jaguar.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:19 PM
Dead cat in a bag
is heavy load, suddenly
transformed into ham.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:23 PM
Luggage rack Grandma
tours around the USA,
then goes home with thief.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:25 PM
Woman on the lav
Oh what pain what agony
giving lobsters birth
Posted by Sharruma  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:46 PM
Oh, waiter, waiter!
Won't you please feed my dog now?
No, no! Not to me!
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  06:57 PM
I humbly present
Some of my haiku efforts
In no set order:


Spectres for auction
Proliferate on eBay
For your ghostly needs

Hi! Microsoft is
Tracking this missive. Send on,
and wait for hand-outs.

Cryptic predictions
enshrined in his poetry
Hail, Nostradamus

My arm is itchy...
Heavens forfend! The spider
Bites with Novocaine

Armstrong stuns the world
From earthbound studio. That
will show the Russians
Posted by Nefertari  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  08:17 PM
Don't ever trust the
Zionist penis melters.
Damn that robot comb!
Posted by J D  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  08:25 PM
Fido licked her hand,
But then she saw the message:
"People can lick, too."
Posted by Katherine  on  Mon Nov 15, 2004  at  09:43 PM
Awake, cold at dawn
White porcelain resting place
My kidneys are gone.
Posted by Franck  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  08:29 AM
My dog gasps for air
Choking on human fingers
Where did they come from?
Posted by Matt  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  09:43 AM
Have you heard the news?
Alex's jackalope is
really a jackdeer.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  11:37 AM
I'm not sure if my haiku went through the last time - maybe I clicked the wrong button. Here it is again.

My dog gasps for air
Choking on human fingers
Whose hand are they from?
Posted by Matt  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  04:21 PM
Ok, now I see - the comments are added at the end of the list, not the beginning.
Posted by Matt  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  04:31 PM
Superendowed kids
Hoist boulders on fingertips.
What are they eating?
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  05:27 PM
my Haiku (based on a real urban legend):
Twins alone at home
filled rooms with junk and clutter
Died of Poverty
Posted by Conny  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  05:48 PM
Airlines now request
your accurate height and weight
Big(:) source of income
Posted by Conny  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  05:55 PM
robotic roaches
assume a leadership role
lead them to their death
Posted by John  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  05:57 PM
Oh I-sixty-nine!
That highway will take your time
on memory lane
Posted by Conny  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  06:00 PM
Hero of tunbridge wells
does good deeds, stops crime, wins hearts.
Monkeyman is here.
Posted by Sharruma  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  06:55 PM
Virgin in the bread?
Verging on the ludicrous
father, son and holy toast (yeah I know 7 sylables)
Posted by Sharruma  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  07:05 PM
seven is only an extroverted five 😉
Posted by Sharruma  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  07:20 PM
Oh what a surprise!
Pope is different to most
John is really Joan
Posted by sharruma  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  07:24 PM
Paul is from Holland.
He is a very good sport,
and spells pretty well.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  07:26 PM
Count the votes again!
I invented internet,
and won Florida.
Posted by Christina Martin  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  10:21 PM
Store High In Transit
or methane will fill your nose
like someone broke wind.
Posted by Christina Martin  on  Tue Nov 16, 2004  at  10:26 PM
Pop pop, fizzle fizz
Not heartburn; pop rocks and coke
Hey, Mikey liked it.
Posted by James  on  Wed Nov 17, 2004  at  01:30 PM
Man walks on the Moon
Neil Armstrong takes 'One small step'
In Studio 4.
Posted by doctorpsi  on  Wed Nov 17, 2004  at  03:47 PM
Mirrors on the moon
reflect laser beams from earth
Proof man was on Moon
Posted by John  on  Wed Nov 17, 2004  at  04:51 PM
Mirrors are no proof
How do we know they are there?
NASA says they are!
Posted by doctorpsi  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  08:06 AM
Upon my car seat,
Wearing a wet wedding dress,
And then she was gone.
Posted by Tru  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  10:29 AM
Turkey in the bed?
Don't trust the baby sitter!
Child in the oven?
Posted by Tru  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  10:36 AM
Tom Jones is now god
That explains a lot of things
What's New Pussycat?
Posted by Sharruma  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  02:25 PM
Two days more to go
Then really for sure I'll Know
I am no poet
Posted by Sharruma  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  02:27 PM
Millionaire Guy
Offers to make me one to
Just follow his plan
Posted by Sharruma  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  02:32 PM
Letter comes in Mail
Break the chain, receive a curse
Throw it in the bin!
Posted by Sharruma  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  02:39 PM
I flash my headlights
Gang banger makes a U-turn
I am in his sights
Posted by Carl  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  03:44 PM
glow in the dark deer
woman breastfeeds her puppy
museum of hoaxes
Posted by John  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  03:58 PM
"Perfume sample, ma'am?"
Alas! It is ether, and
her purse is stolen

UPS mailmen.
Trust not - clever terrorists
Have been on eBay.

Orangutan jaw
with human skull fools Science
Naughty Charles Dawson
Posted by Nefertari  on  Thu Nov 18, 2004  at  11:01 PM
Cheney's pocket's full
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  06:44 PM
Whoops, try again:

Cheney's pocket's full
of something; so they don't call
him "Dick" for nothing.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  06:47 PM
The classified ad
says, "Free kittens to good home."
Snake food, anyone?
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  06:53 PM
Once you start writing
verses in Haiku format,
it's hard to stop it.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  07:01 PM
Alex:
I hope you're collecting these verses to make a book, or at least a chapter of a book.
Posted by Big Gary C  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  07:11 PM
A tribute to one of my favorite hoaxers, Dick Tuck:

Moms-to-be rallied
To bear signs: "Nixon's the One!"
Oh, that Tricky Dick.
Posted by Donna Ford  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  09:52 PM
Drat, forgot to post this one. It's another tribute to a favorite tall-tale journalist from history.

Lou Stone's Wild Man hoax
Freaks Winsted; Sucker Creek's bridge
Now honors his name.
Posted by Donna Ford  on  Fri Nov 19, 2004  at  10:11 PM
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