I've received a free copy of David Wilton's new book,
Word Myths: Debunking Linguistic Urban Legends, courtesy of Oxford University Press. So I'm having a contest to give it away. The book has just been published. I'm not sure it's even out in stores yet, but you can get a copy here... if you win the contest.
First, what's the book about? Wilton debunks all those stories about where words come from, such as 'is GOLF really an acronym for Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden?' or 'does SOS stand for Save Our Souls?' or 'was F**K originally an acronym meaning For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge?' You'll have to get the book to find out the answers. It's a lot of fun, and quite enlightening.
Here's what I've decided for the contest: urban legend haiku. I figure this is appropriate since it's a book about urban legends and language. Whoever comes up with the best haiku describing an urban legend (or a hoax, since this is the Museum of Hoaxes) wins the contest. What's 'best' will, of course, be subjectively decided by me.
If you need inspiration, examples of urban legend haiku can be found
here or
here. I'm not going to be a stickler about whether or not entries maintain proper haiku form (three lines: first line five syllables, second line seven syllables, third line five syllables), since apparently the idea that haiku must adhere strictly to this form is itself a bit of an urban legend. Keep it to three lines, but if the number of syllables isn't perfect, I don't care.
Here's my own rather weak attempt at a hoax haiku. It took me all of a minute to write:
Enclosed in glass,
Soon she'll be rectangular,
My Bonsai Kitten.
You'll have to do better than this to win the book.
The contest will end on Nov. 20, about a week from today (oh, and you can submit as many haiku as you like).
Update: And one more thing, submit your entries as comments. Don't email them to me directly.
Update: Okay, the contest is now closed. I need a day or two to review all the entries.
Comments
Bedroom invader at night
Must still be asleep.
see the monster see the beast
Nothing to see there
Elvis has been seen my friend
Serving us fast food
Green cheese to gorge, love the taste
Must pack enough wine
could be a waste of my time
no more haiku here!
Sorry for so many ^
was having far too much fun 😊
Still at his desk Saturday;
he kept to himself.
Memories of love and drinks
Without a kidney
Gator, young, too young,
The sewer is my home now,
Flushed by fickle hand.
Take the short road to eBay.
Say it is haunted.
Museum of Hoaxes.
Sometimes it talks of fake things.
Sometimes they are real.
They often spread lies.
Incorrect, false, wrong, stories.
Bad Ananova.
Socks for your iPod.
Could such things really exist?
Still, they are not cheap.
Hoaxes, pranks, and lies:
All false, a few offensive.
Dwelling on the Net.
For punch line forward eight times,
then press F8. Oh.
Cottingly faires were real
He is no Sherlock
How could I resist your charms?
Drain my life away
Feel him breathing take that breath
suffacated child
It just may give you cancer,
Lipstick made of lead.
To stare brings a big surprise,
You end up cross-eyed.
Oh my what a big surprise,
Seeing its four eyes!
asks an outrageous question
why does sperm taste salty?
-sorry, it sucks
over your right shoulder's trouble
have a parachute?
Aircraft on collision course
Cam'ra in Rubble
Beaten to subject matter :(
oh well 😊
The spectre walks the tower
Will Anne never rest?
Woman needs to dry her. . . How?
Microwave? Perfect!
You can see it everywhere
Why don't they beleive?
High on PCP
Man feeds his dogs his own face
Dogs' stomachs get pumped
911. . . look!
Everywhere it then appeared
Microsoft knows too.
[On the last haiku:its a reference to the urban legend that 911 appeared everywhere on 9/11, and the microsoft wingdings fiasco]
Everything is gonna get wiped
Dreaded two thousand
got it out, the thumb in my
faithful dog
I'll get that Neiman Marcus
Here's the recipe
it is cute like Lucky Charms
No, it's the devil!
From Nile getting carjacked and Mr. six
But what will be next.
and the feared StunStrike Stun Gun
Just DUCK AND TAKE COVER
"You're surely dead,"
The wise man said, "For have you seen,
"the crap you've written?"
Curious scars on my back
Kidneys on E-Bay
Microsoft testing
E-mail tracking - Forward it!
Soon I will be rich
Funny E X E
A free joke from a stranger
Viruses are fun
Stock value fickle:
Now worth only a nickel.
disappears from my back seat.
Oh no! She's a ghost.
Of undigested meat in the Duke
I believe it was forty
and the feared StunStrike Stun Gun
DUCK AND TAKE COVER
He is old, yet he can dance.
Who is this Mr. Six?
I go down the well.
I look to the distant sky.
Now I can see stars.
Buy a Bonsai Cat!
Chicken Head in Happy Meal!
Next time visit Snopes.
For Jimi, barbiturates overdose
And for Cass : Ham Sandwich
No Such Agency,
They Can't Let You Know The Truth.
Yet, Drink Boo Bee Juice.
Bush Wins Election,
Remote Control Hunting though,
suddenly sounds good.
Again Not Suprised,
Pop Star Not Performing Live,
Tickets Please? Hmm Dead.
man holding gigantic cat
skilled in photoshop
dangerous coin slot awaits
don't reach for the change
new friend from nigeria
send account info
an extinguished cigarette
badly burned rectum
1 Three words in the news
Hint at untold suffering:
Spaghetti crop fails
2 Legend
but now she has gone away.
So has my kidney.
Our lovely Peaches
sucked the life of the baby,
She wanted the milk.
(http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/catsuck.htm)
Ashes to ashes,
this cocoa mix is no good.
Oops, we ate grandpa.
(http://www.snopes.com/horrors/cannibal/cremains.htm)
shivers in my living room
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
dreaded spaghetti weevil
make dinner yummy.
do not milk the Jackalope.
Lure him with whiskey.
"Homeless are Americans,
too, so give them guns!"
Hidden away denied all
Five and One forgot
Russian girlfriends for to love
Dissapointment bitter
No return Alex Boese
Hail replicant Alex