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How To Pick Up Women
According to Don Diebel, "Americas #1 Singles Expert", the secret to picking up women is hand puppets. (so that's what I was doing wrong back when I was single... no hand puppets!). Here's what you do:

When you see a girl that you're attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, "Hi beautiful, would you like to dance with me?" Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.

As far as I can tell, Mr. Diebel is perfectly serious. (via J-Walk)
Sex/Romance
Posted by The Curator on Tue Dec 07, 2004
Doesn't he look like Swiss Tony from the Fast Show:)

http://www.ogmac.co.uk/sidcup/swisstony.htm
Posted by Paul in Prague  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  07:03 AM
http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rich/swisstony.html
Posted by aw  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  07:19 AM
(dammit. Next time must actually read links above)
Posted by aw  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  07:20 AM
But I don't think it's Swiss Tony. I think this guy means this as serious advice.
Posted by The Curator  in  San Diego  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  11:50 AM
Once some guy was telling me about these speakers and amps he had in his truck...and he kept asking, "Wanna see the back of my Explorer?" I guess if a guy really thinks THAT will work...Why not puppets? I would be a little freaked out by a guy with a hand puppet. I'm married, so most things that have to do with dating seem stupid or weird to me now.
Posted by Maegan  in  Tampa, FL - USA  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  12:04 PM
Alright, I'm in college right now so I've heard some really weird pick up lines being used (school ratio guys to girls; 7:1). However, if someone came up to me with a puppet on their hand I'd probably laugh, grab a girlfriend, get him to do it again, laugh more, and walk away laughing hysterically.
Posted by Fay-Fay  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  01:23 PM
I would have thought that ditching the moustache and moving your hairstyle into the current millennium would be higher dating priority issues before embarking on any crash (and burn) course in advanced puppetry.
Posted by Poglov  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  02:35 PM
Maybe if the girl was 2 years old.
Posted by Ariel  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  02:49 PM
I notice that Don Diebel, the author, hasn't tried this himself. I wouldn't either.
Posted by Timbo  in  EDmonton, Canada  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  07:23 PM
Shit, no wonder I did so badly with women.
Posted by James D  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  08:29 PM
hmm... i'm trying to imagine a grown ass man carrying a hand puppet into a nyc night club...
if he tapped me on the shoulder i'd do that thing where you turn slightly, register that there is a crazy person in your presence and then slyly gaze over their shoulder and briskly walk away.
unless the puppet offered to buy me a drink, in which case i might make eye contact with the puppet.
after i got the drink i'd probably ask the puppet if he'd like to go home with me, but he'd have to ditch his friend first.
if the puppet refused i would take my drink and dissappear into the crowd.
Posted by coffee  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  09:21 PM
Yeesh. Call me uptight, but I don't think I'd want anything to do with a young lady that this puppet thing would actually WORK on.

Reminds me of a story a friend of mine tells about a guy he used to know (that must count as a friend-of-a-friend story, right?). He had discovered something called the 'one in thirty' rule. The theory was, if you go up to thirty women, perfect strangers, and simply ask them if they 'wanna fuck', twenty-nine of them will slap you, tell you off, sic their boyfriends on you. But one of them will always go for it.

The story goes that the guy used to show up at my friend's house with a face red and bruised from slaps and a big smile on his face. Which meant he had spent the afternoon at the mall, using the one-in-thirty principle.....

Seems to work for MILF Hunter, assuming that that stuff isn't staged. (Not that I would download that sort of thing. Err....)
Posted by Barghest  on  Tue Dec 07, 2004  at  11:37 PM
i can only imagine the great diversity and abundance of sexually transmitted diseases your friend has caught and shared using his "wanna fuck" technique. it's frightening to think that anybody would have to stoop to that level of desperation in order to get laid. the hand puppet idea is looking a lot better in comparison. at least afterwards, if things don't pan out at the club, you can always use the hand puppet as a friendly massage tool.
Posted by coffee  on  Wed Dec 08, 2004  at  01:59 AM
>>>i can only imagine the great diversity and abundance of sexually transmitted diseases your friend has caught and shared using his "wanna fuck" technique.<<<

Not my friend, his friend. I can't speak to the state of this person's health since I don't know if he used condoms or not (if he did, that puts your supposition largely to rest). It's rather a moot point, since he later died in a car accident that was caused by NOT drinking. (He was only a careful driver when he had a load on, you see. He was careless when driving sober, and that's what did him in. Lots of stories about this guy, went by the name of Ogre.)

Which is not to say the idea itself isn't still reprehensible, since it effectively reduces sex to a meaningless act of release committed upon a warm body that has been reduced to a sexual object. Ogre wasn't a nice guy.

I wouldn't do it. Well, I might make thirty offers in the interest of empiricism, just to test the theory, but I wouldn't sleep with a stranger just because I could.
Posted by Barghest  on  Wed Dec 08, 2004  at  05:12 AM
I
Posted by Evey  on  Wed Dec 08, 2004  at  12:40 PM
Great idea on the 1/30 principal. Use the hand puppet to ask "wanna fuck?". This classy move should double the chances, plus make sure its the end of the night after last call.
Posted by sbnature  in  sb ca  on  Thu Dec 16, 2004  at  06:44 PM
haha. thats an old joke. not hand puppets. you paint a face on your d*** and thats your puppet. not sure how you're supposed to get that on a woman's sholder...
Posted by anonymous  on  Sat Apr 30, 2005  at  06:08 PM
Originally I started with a little white bear puppet I got at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor (dating myself here)and I got a little attention from some attractive women the first day I had it. Later on I got a raccoon puppet in a box with a glove on the bottom and I wear the mate glove on my left hand. I've brought that into some places and by the end of the night I was hooked up with some very attractive women. Some did lead later on to "romantic opportunities" (is that the PC way to say I got laid?) It's not the puppet, it's being a fun guy (not a fungi) with a sense of humor which I once heard was the #1 item on the list of what women look for.
Posted by GB  on  Sun May 08, 2005  at  05:53 AM
Bhargest:

You wouldn't happen to be in/from Atlanta (or the friend of yours is from Atlanta?).

I heard a similar story about a guy in Atlanta, and our mutual friend was someone I knew at Ga Tech.
Posted by kzin  in  Santa Cruz  on  Sat May 14, 2005  at  12:20 AM
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