Hoax Museum Blog: Cryptozoology

Nessie Was an Elephant — Accipiter beat me to this story, posting it in the forum earlier today, but it's worth reposting here for the benefit of those who read the site via RSS (or those who don't check out the forum). Scottish paleontologist Neil Clark has come up with a new theory about Nessie's true identity. He suggests that Loch Ness's most famous resident is (or rather was) an elephant.

His theory goes like this: A number of circuses visited the Loch Ness area in the early 1930s (when Nessie mania began, as I note on my Loch Ness hoaxes page). The circuses let their elephants swim in the Loch. So perhaps some people saw these swimming elephants and mistook them for sea serpents.

It's an interesting theory, and plausible. Though it still seems a bit more likely that the rise in Nessie sightings during the 1930s had more to do with the completion of the road along the loch's north shore, and consequent rise in tourism to the area.

And let's not forget the rival theory that sea serpents are really whale penises. (Although the whale-penis theory can't explain Nessie, unless a whale got loose in the loch.)

McDonald’s Nessie Ad — Here's an ad for McDonalds featuring the Loch Ness Monster (or one of her cousins). I think the language they're speaking is Polish. (via Ceticismo Aberto)

Silver Star Mountain Sasquatch — The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has posted pictures of a weird figure recently spotted by a hiker on Silver Star Mountain in Washington state. To me the figure looks like another hiker. But the Bigfoot believers are convinced it's a sasquatch. As they note:

The photos are inconclusive, but they are potentially relevant. The figure you see could be a sasquatch. The silhouette is comparable to the lanky silhouette in the Marble Mountains footage. It also looks similar to some eyewitness sketches. As in the Marble Mountains footage , there's nothing in the outline to indicate that it's another person (except for the upright posture).

Maybe it was a guy walking around up there in a Bigfoot costume. In which case, I would have to add it to my list of Bigfoot hoaxes.

Big Foot High School — I know of many high schools named after Washington, Lincoln, or other famous characters from U.S. history, but as far as I'm aware, there's only one Big Foot High School. It's located in Walworth, Wisconsin. However, it's not named after the Bigfoot monster. Instead, it's named after an Indian Chief:

Big Foot Union High School is named after the Potawatomi Indian Chief Big Foot who lived along the banks of Geneva Lake until his tribe was relocated by the United States government in 1836. In fact, Geneva Lake was originally known as Big Foot Lake until a New York surveyor, John Brink, renamed it.

I can't find any reference to the Bigfoot monster on the school's website. I'm betting they try to downplay that connection. Still, it would be pretty cool to tell people you go to Bigfoot High.

Sea Serpents Are Really Whale Penises — It's long been argued that when people report seeing sea serpents, they might actually be seeing floating logs, strange waves, or shadows on the water, and mistaking these things for sea serpents. Now Dr. Charles Paxton has come up with an interesting extension of this theory. He argues that people might also be misidentifying whale penises as sea serpents. He presents this theory in the current issue of the Archives of Natural History. As an example he uses the case of an eighteenth-century missionary named Hans Egede who reported a sighting of a sea serpent, and drew a picture of the creature. Paxton demonstrates that Egede's picture closely resembles what a whale's aroused penis rising from the water might look like. The abstract of Paxton's paper is as follows:

A re-evaluation of the “most dreadful monster” originally described by the “Apostle of Greenland” Hans Egede in 1741 suggests that the missionary’s son Poul probably saw an unfamiliar cetacean. The species seen was likely to have been a humpback whale (Megaptera novaeangliae), a North Atlantic right whale (Eubalaena glacialis) or one of the last remaining Atlantic grey whales (Eschrichtius robustus) either without flukes or possibly a male in a state of arousal.

So if Egede mistook a whale penis for a sea serpent, it's logical to assume others might also have done so. This theory has the ring of truth to it.

Ice Giant Found in Siberia — Russian geologist Arkady Simkin claims to have participated in an oil-surveying expedition to Northern Siberia that found an enormous, skyscraper-size creature buried in the ice. He gives the following description of the creature (which he refers to as Taurus Major) on his website: The animal appears to be a huge quadruped with horns much like a bull. In fact it looks to be a hybrid of a bull, woolly mammoth and a rhino – if such a thing existed. But its size is truly colossal. The horns are immense in dimension and protrude from the head with incredible length. The body is covered with a combination of coarse fur and what can best be described as ‘body armor’ (like an American armadillo) – protects its enormous joints and head.

What makes Simkin's site interesting (and I'm referring to Simkin as a real person, though I doubt he is) is the movie and radio interview that he's posted on the site. The movie is pretty impressive and indicates that someone spent some money to produce it. The radio interview, by contrast, is fun to listen to, but is obviously scripted.

I'm taking it as a given that the ice giant is a hoax, but I have no idea who's behind it. Maybe it's a publicity stunt for a book, movie, or video game. I'm sure that we'll find out soon enough. The name Arkady may be an allusion to Arkham from the work of H.P. Lovecraft. The Taurus Major creature itself also seems very Lovecraftian. (Thanks to Darrell for the link)

Update: It's part of a viral marketing campaign for a new Playstation game called Shadow of the Colossus, which involves hunting and killing giant creatures. The website giantology.typepad.com, supposedly about "the mythology and culture of giants throughout the ages of humanity," is also part of this same marketing campaign. The giantology site has been hosting footage showing the skeleton of a giant uncovered on a beach in India by the tsunami. Quite a few people have linked to this footage, but it's all part of the same marketing effort.

$1 Million Bounty for Bigfoot — At the upcoming Bigfoot Conference in Texas, Loren Coleman plans to announce a $1 million prize for anyone who can safely capture a "Bigfoot, Yeti, Lake Monster, Sea Serpent, or other cryptozoological specimen." It's a good bet this money is never paid out. I wonder if Coleman will actually put aside $1 million in an escrow account, or if he'll only worry about coming up with the cash once someone produces a specimen. These million-dollar prizes always strike me as phony, even when skeptics offer them (such as Think and Reason's $1,000,000 reward to prove God exists). No one ever gets the money. The only purpose of the prize is to generate publicity.

Nessie Revealed — News agencies are reporting that sightseers at Loch Ness were fooled into thinking they saw Nessie:

Around 600 people desperate to catch a glimpse of Nessie were stunned when they came face to face with a 16ft creature emerging from the Highland waters. But channel Five television revealed that the mythical beast was actually a 440lb animatronic model called "Lucy" who baffled tourists when she roamed the murky depths of Loch Ness for two weeks. The results have been filmed by Five for their television programme: Loch Ness Monster: The Ultimate Experiment, which will be shown at the end of the month.

But, of course, we all know the real story. Government agencies, in collusion with the extraterrestrials, created a story about a 440lb animatronic model as a cover to hide the fact that Nessie (who is controlled by the aliens) accidentally revealed herself.

Tibetan Dragons — A photograph of what appears to be dragons flying in the sky above Tibet has been generating some attention. The photograph was taken over a year ago:

On June 22, 2004, the photographer went to Tibet’s Amdo region to attend the Qinghai-to-Xizang Railroad laying ceremony, and then took a plane from Lhasa to fly back inland. When flying over the Himalaya’s, he accidentally caught these two "dragons" in a picture that he took. He called these two objects "the Tibet dragons."

To me the 'dragons' (you can see their 'tails' in the lower left corner of the picture... click the thumbnail to enlarge it) appear to obviously be clouds. Or maybe they're some kind of formation on the ground. But yeah, I can see the resemblance to dragons.

Bigfoot Hair — A mysterious clump of hair found in the Yukon earlier this month turns out (surprise, surprise) to NOT be Bigfoot hair. Instead, it's hair from a bison. The sample was analyzed by David Coltman, a geneticist at the University of Alberta in Edmonton.

This isn't the first time 'Bigfoot hair' has been analyzed and shown to be something other than fibers from a shedding Sasquatch. It's quite remarkable, if you stop to consider it, that despite being frequently sighted and heard, all the Bigfoots out there have managed to avoid leaving a single physical sample of their presence (such as hair, skin, or bones) that can be verified by researchers. Although they do leave a lot of footprints. Skeptics would say that this is clear evidence that Bigfoot doesn't exist. But the true believers continue to insist that we simply haven't looked hard enough yet. (thanks to Gary and Kathy for forwarding me the link)

Loch Ness Tooth Update — There's already quite a lengthy thread about the Loch Ness Monster Tooth in the forum, but I don't think anyone has yet linked to this recent press release in which radio host Rob McConnell exposes the 'tooth' as "nothing more than an antler from a roe muntjac deer". The story was that two American college students supposedly found the tooth lodged in the carcass of a deer while they were visiting Loch Ness. A Scottish warden subsequently took the tooth from them. In reality, the entire story was part of a publicity stunt to promote Steve Alten's new book, The Loch (as most people in the forum had already figured out).

Bigfoot Barleywine-style Ale — I didn't realize that Sierra Nevada made a Bigfoot Barleywine-style Ale. I'll have to try to get some and try it. One reviewer on Beer Advocate says this of it: This beer warms the gullet and obliterates the taste buds. I have had some bitter beers in my experience, but this one blows them all away. Sounds like an imposing beer, which I suppose is appropriate for a beer named after Bigfoot. So I'm now aware of Bigfoot Ale, Loch Ness Monster Ale, and Crop Circle Beer. But there's no Chupacabra Beer, as far as I know. Nor Jackalope Beer. This is an obvious oversight on the part of the beer industry.

Trapped By Chupacabras — Steve needs your help. He's trapped in a cabin in northern Minnesota as Chupacabras circle around outside. His only way to communicate with the outside world is via a free blogging service (for some reason email doesn't work on his computer). This is reminiscent of the Trapped by Zombies weblog, except that this is much more of an amateur effort. But you've got to give the guy credit for trying.

Hunting Nessie — Dan Taylor of South Carolina has built a submarine which he plans to launch in Loch Ness this spring, hoping to find Nessie and collect tissue samples from her, for scientific analysis. The media, of course, are loving this, first playing up the eccentric enthusiast angle, and now playing up the Nessie-fans-outraged-by-the-thought-of-someone-harpooning-the-monster angle. But if you watch the video broadcast that accompanies this article, you realize that it's not so much the idea of somebody harpooning poor Nessie that worries local residents of Loch Ness. It's the idea of some guy at large in the Loch with a harpoon-equipped submarine that concerns them. What if he harpoons a swimming tourist by accident, they point out. The media also love pointing out, with a sly wink, that hunting Nessie is illegal because she's protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act, which is true enough. If someone ever does find her, they can't kill her.

Was Bob Heironimus Bigfoot? — Bob Heironimus has been getting a lot of press lately by claiming to have been the guy who dressed up in a Bigfoot costume and mugged for the camera in the famous Patterson-Gimlin film, shot in October 1967. I haven't examined his story closely, so I haven't formed an opinion on whether he really was Patterson's Bigfoot, but looking at that Bigfoot costume he was photographed posing with last week, I've got to say that it doesn't look much like the Bigfoot in Patterson's film. Maybe it looks more like it at a distance.

Loch Ness Monster Seen? — I'm posting this message from Paris, France. So far I've been finding it very hard to get onto the internet, but when I turned on my laptop in my hotel room I discovered that someone nearby is running an open wireless network (it's definitely not the hotel... I think it's the cafe on the corner).

Anyway, when I visited Loch Ness a few days ago I didn't think I had seen the monster, until I later examined the pictures I had taken. Then I noticed this mysterious object on the Loch that I didn't see while taking the picture. Perhaps it's just a small boat... or perhaps it's Nessie. Hmmm.


By the way, if you ever stay in Loch Ness, skip the Loch Ness Lodge. It's a tourist trap. Opt for the Benleva Hotel instead. That's where the locals hang out. It's also got a great restaurant. I had kangaroo meat for dinner there (kangaroo meat in Loch Ness!!).

The Hibbing Monster — Reporter Aaron Brown is hoping to boost the fortunes of his hometown of Hibbing, Minnesota by propagating "a mysterious local legend to drum up economic development for the region." As he points out, it's worked for other places. Case in point: I'm off to Loch Ness next week solely because of some murky legend of a sea serpent. So what kind of monster should lurk around Hibbing? What about a 1000lb wild hog? No, that's already been done. But Minnesota does already have the Iceman, so maybe they could play that up a bit.

Loch Ness Air — Here's an eBay auction I'm sorry I missed: some guy trying to sell a box of Loch Ness air... the same air that Nessie breathes. He didn't have any takers. What gets me is that it doesn't even sound like the box was tightly sealed, so all the Loch Ness air would have leaked out by the time it arrived at its destination. But although the market for Loch Ness air hasn't taken off, there's apparently quite a strong demand for bottles of Loch Ness water. Hey, I'm going to be in Loch Ness in two weeks, so if anyone wants me to pick them up some Loch Ness water while I'm there, put in your orders now. Loch Ness soil samples are also a possibility. I'll collect any water and soil samples once I'm done sampling Nessie's Monster Mash Beer.

Virgin Sacrifice at Loch Ness — In just a few weeks, on the night of September 6th and 7th, a white-magic ritual will be performed on the banks of Loch Ness to call up Nessie. Performing the ritual will be Kevin Carlyon, High Priest of British White Witches. Now here's the interesting part. Should the ritual fail to achieve anything, Carlyon will then bait Nessie with an irresistible lure: a virgin adorned with vegetables and tied to a stake in the waters of Loch Ness. I certainly don't see how that could fail to get Nessie's attention.

Carlyon is currently accepting applications for the role of the virgin bait. He specifies that whoever it is must be female (so I guess Marc can't apply), aged between 18-25, pretty, petite, a non-smoker, a non-drug-user, and in good shape. Carlyon reports that he's already received quite a few applications, including ones from a transvestite and a woman who wanted to know if she could bring her kid along (she must not have understood the 'virgin' part of the job requirement).

I personally find the timing of this event extremely frustrating. In September, as part of my long-planned European vacation, I'm going to be visiting Loch Ness, but I'll be arriving on the 10th... THREE DAYS after the virgin sacrifice. So it looks like I'll miss it. And it's too late to change the dates of my flight. The one time in my life I visit Loch Ness and I miss getting to see a virgin sacrifice by a few days. That's just my luck.

The Truth About Loch Ness — Greg Atkins (or someone calling themselves Greg Atkins) has created a website, truthaboutlochness.com, in order to expose an incident he claims occurred on the loch during filming of Werner Herzog's upcoming movie, The Enigma of Loch Ness. He says that one of the production company's boats was rammed by something in the water (could it have been Nessie!!!), resulting in the death of two of the crew. All this has been hushed up, of course, which is why there were no news reports of these deaths. He also has video footage on his site of a large creature moving beneath the surface of the loch. Cynics are speculating that his site is simply yet another hoax website created by a movie studio in order to create buzz about Herzog's film, in the same vein as the Blair Witch Project. Probably is. But I have a softspot for Nessie (I'm rooting for her to be real), so in this case I'm happy to play along with the site, even if there are some obviously hoaxy things about it.