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Funny Quotes
Posted: 02 August 2005 03:08 PM   [ Ignore ]
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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”—Author
Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  “Take an aspirin” and
“Keep away from children.” —Author Unknown

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support
group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
—Drew Carey

4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”—Jeff
Foxworthy

5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there is a man on base.” —Dave Barry

6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks’ notice.  There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
—Bob Ettinger

7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to
teach you how to swim.’” —Paula Poundstone

8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien

9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I’m halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….  I could be eating a
slow learner.”  —Lynda Montgomery

10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t
cold enough. Let’s   go west.’” —Richard Jeni

11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead.”—Johnny Carson

12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
—Paul Rodriguez

13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that’s the law.” —Jerry Seinfeld

14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
—Warren Hutcherson

15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
—Oscar Wilde

16) “Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress… But I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain

17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan.” —A. Whitney Brown

18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, ‘My God, you’re right!  I never would’ve thought of
that!’”  —Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was
taken. —Unknown, presumed deceased

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Posted: 02 August 2005 05:23 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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I like Dave Barry.

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I’m loving the puppies.

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Posted: 02 August 2005 06:08 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Pretty sure the Author of number 1 was Bob Monkhouse

Not 100% but he died last year and it was one of the jokes they attributed to him at the time.

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Smerk the cutest dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In Western Australi

Little Accipiter loved that girl enough
He told her jokes and crazy facts
And other forum stuff

Smerk the cutest dragon:
Traveled cross the sea,
To hunt her prey in foriegn lands,
And snuggle with Acci!

Smerk the cutest dragon
Is getting married now they say
Though little Accipiter
Has yet to name the day.

http://www.veshearman.com/

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Posted: 02 August 2005 06:26 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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“If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?”

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Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

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Posted: 03 August 2005 06:26 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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#19 was funny… regardless of whether or not you’re brave enough to admit it!

cheese

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Canadian Bacon Rules !!!

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Posted: 03 August 2005 10:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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“Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and
it holds the Universe together.”
  -Carl Zwanig

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 09 August 2005 11:36 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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‘They say one in five people in the world are chinese. There are five people in my flat. me (Amy), John, Tom, Xiaoming and Bob. I think its Bob.’

My cheerios are like alphabet soup, except it spells ‘ooooooooooooooo’

If everyone was blind, would you look the same?
  - (no, cos you wouldnt bother getting dressed up)

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If you can’t handle someone at their worst,

You don’t deserve them at their best.

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Posted: 11 August 2005 04:59 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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You’re funny Amy…

LOL

I was smiling most of the night at work over your “I think it’s Bob” line.

grin

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Canadian Bacon Rules !!!

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Posted: 11 August 2005 02:17 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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“I married the first man I ever kissed.  When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.”-Barbara Bush

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”-Lewis Gizzard

And I really like this one:
“The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets”-John D. Rockefeller.

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Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

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Posted: 12 August 2005 07:08 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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Im a big fan of Wiston Churchills famously cutting remark to a women who commented that he was very drunk…
“Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.” Ouch!

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“Do you realise the sun doesnt go down, its just an illusion caused by the world spinning round”

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Posted: 12 August 2005 08:20 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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thanks, mark-n-jen! I thought i just annoyed everyone! (probably true in most cases! smile

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If you can’t handle someone at their worst,

You don’t deserve them at their best.

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Posted: 12 August 2005 05:45 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
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Deediddums - 12 August 2005 11:08 AM

Im a big fan of Wiston Churchills famously cutting remark to a women who commented that he was very drunk…
“Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.” Ouch!

Was that really Winston Churchill?  I’ve heard it attributed to Benjamin Franklin, and also someone who was talking to Eleanor Roosevelt, although it was said differently each time.

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Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

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