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Posted: 27 October 2005 02:13 PM   [ Ignore ]
Five Star Member
Total Posts:  7525
Joined  2005-04-23

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
“gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident (unconfirmed/received in email, not sure how accurate any of above is)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Smerk the cutest dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In Western Australi

Little Accipiter loved that girl enough
He told her jokes and crazy facts
And other forum stuff

Smerk the cutest dragon:
Traveled cross the sea,
To hunt her prey in foriegn lands,
And snuggle with Acci!

Smerk the cutest dragon
Is getting married now they say
Though little Accipiter
Has yet to name the day.


Posted: 27 October 2005 06:06 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
Total Posts:  26384
Joined  2004-11-29

LOL  Seen ‘em before, but never attributed to Qantas!


Remember, a Dragon is for life!

Posted: 28 October 2005 05:41 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
Total Posts:  9365
Joined  2005-01-23

Hey Shar, up until a while ago, I believe the no accidents was true, however in the past few years I’ve seen quite a few news reports where Quantas planes had minor problems and had to have emergency landing and so forth. So not sure if they can still make that claim.


The Middleman: (drinking milk) You know, that was some darn fine cow squirt.

Posted: 31 October 2005 02:34 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
Total Posts:  180
Joined  2005-10-12

That was great!

Damn midget.


“No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.”
When humanity forgets the importance of art, art will forget that humanity exists… - Me / 2004

Posted: 08 November 2005 05:09 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
Five Star Member
Total Posts:  61098
Joined  2005-04-14

I first heard that joke three or four years ago, at least.  Maybe at that time, Qantas still had a perfect record.


“If any man wish to write in a clear style, let him be first clear in his thoughts.”

Posted: 17 November 2005 06:01 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
Senior Member
Total Posts:  827
Joined  2005-10-20

I can’t stop laughing and having trouble typing this post


Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.

Posted: 15 December 2005 12:59 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
Five Star Member
Total Posts:  1009
Joined  2004-12-01

*Choke* *choke* cant…breath…in…between…laughter…


A very wise woman once said, marriage is like a deck of cards.
You need a heart to love him,
A diamond to marry him,
A club to smash his fucking head in,
And a spade to bury the bastard.

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