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Why shopping at Woolies is the way to go ...
Posted: 19 October 2005 05:01 AM   [ Ignore ]
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot quicker than a doctor.”

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

          Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

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Posted: 19 October 2005 05:04 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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LOL
Fantastic!

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Posted: 19 October 2005 05:08 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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He he he.

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“Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway.”

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Posted: 19 October 2005 07:16 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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I think this might have been the first dirty joke that I ever heard.  Lovelovelovelove it!

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Posted: 19 October 2005 08:54 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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lol. funny!

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Posted: 19 October 2005 01:20 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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That was a great one!
I think I’ve heard it before but I think the daughter’s condition was different.

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Posted: 20 October 2005 09:00 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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An oldie but a goodie.

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The Middleman: (drinking milk) You know, that was some darn fine cow squirt.

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