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CDC Assurance: No Zombie Apocalypse
Posted: 02 June 2012 04:07 PM   [ Ignore ]
Total Posts:  15034
Joined  2006-08-16

No, the zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, assures the CDC

A spate of bizarre acts of cannibalism in the last week have many people wondering whether to be afraid for their own flesh. The populous’ collective curiosity has even driven “zombie apocalypse” up to the No. 2 spot on Google’s list of trending search terms. But don’t worry: according to government scientists, the zombies are not coming for you.

The flesh-eating living dead don’t actually exist, said a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” agency spokesman David Daigle told The Huffington Post.

But what prompted the official reassurance?

The questions started after an attack in Miami on Saturday, when Rudy Eugene, 31, was shot and killed by police while hungrily devouring the face of a homeless man. Eugene, who may have been high on ” bath salts ” at the time of his vicious attack, seemed impervious to the bullets entering his naked body until the moment he collapsed, police said.

Then, on Tuesday, Alexander Kinyua, a 21-year-old student in Maryland, admitted to murdering his roommate and then eating his heart and parts of his brain. The cannibal’s motives have not been explained. [Video: ‘5 Things I Learned from Living with Cannibals]

Meanwhile, Canadian police are seeking Luka Rocco Magnotta, a low-budget porn actor who allegedly killed and dismembered a young man, and then ate flesh from the corpse. He packaged and mailed other body parts to political offices in Ottawa.

Okay, zombies may not really exist, but clearly the world has troubles enough as it is.


Attention to detail: An apostrophe is the difference between a company that knows its shit and a company that knows it’s shit.

Posted: 02 June 2012 08:13 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
New Member
Total Posts:  11
Joined  2012-05-29

People should already know there is no possible way for a dead body to be reanimated. This story is just hillarious.

Posted: 02 June 2012 09:52 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Total Posts:  61098
Joined  2005-04-14
jka12002 - 02 June 2012 08:13 PM

People should already know there is no possible way for a dead body to be reanimated.

Well, there actually isn’t any particular reason why a dead body couldn’t be reanimated, assuming that it hasn’t been too badly damaged.  It’s just a bunch of biochemical pathways; start that machinery up again, and it ought to run.

The tricky part is that there are a lot of those vital biochemical pathways involved in even simple acts, and getting them all functioning and working in harmony would be quite a task.  With a body in a laboratory with all sorts of equipment hooked up to it, we might be able to manage it to a limited degree.  Maybe.  But it would be a major project.


“If any man wish to write in a clear style, let him be first clear in his thoughts.”

Posted: 03 June 2012 08:48 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Total Posts:  5155
Joined  2005-01-27

“Well, there actually isn’t any particular reason why a dead body couldn’t be reanimated”

Excactly. That someone stopped it´s ricketytick doesn´t mean it´s dead yet.
Simply start pumping his heart!
Forget about breathing. New studies show that breathing isn´t necesary and might indeed be timewasting.
The moment you push the chest in, you pump the heart (circulating blood and oxygen) and expel air.
The moment you let loose, the chest will inflate itself, and when you push again you simply send oxynated blood round again through the victim.
You keep a steady 1 to 5 ritm with 2 stops in it.
And it will be fine.
Don´t stop though.
And keep in mind that all the time you are pumping someone, it´s in fact “dead”.
But preserverence might do “wonders”. So just hope those sirens of relief are there soon and keep pumping!
Oh and before I forget: keep going!
As long as you keep going you are preventing permanent death.

That´s it.
Good luck.


“By the sweat on our brows, and the strengths of our backs…Gentlemen. Hoist the Colours! And you, madam, I warn you, I know the entire Geneva Convention by heart!”
Trust me.

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