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A few jokes…
Posted: 03 March 2010 11:36 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 12 ]
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How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Its a really obscure number…..... you probably haven’t heard of it.

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Posted: 04 March 2010 12:34 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 13 ]
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I just recently got a new doctor.  She is amazingly hot but on my first visit she told me that I had to stop masturbating.  When I asked her why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you”.

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Posted: 04 March 2010 05:57 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 14 ]
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N. - 04 March 2010 04:36 AM

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Its a really obscure number…..... you probably haven’t heard of it.

LOL

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The platypus is mother nature’s way of saying, “I made this thing out of spare parts I found on the workshop floor, and it can still ****ing cripple you.”

Sylvia Browne

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Posted: 05 March 2010 11:51 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 15 ]
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A man didn’t like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?  A buck an ear.

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Remember, remember… I am the ONE.

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Posted: 05 March 2010 11:54 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 16 ]
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?  A gummy bear.


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?  PUMPKIN PI


What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?  Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

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Remember, remember… I am the ONE.

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Posted: 01 July 2010 09:34 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 17 ]
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A woman walks into a Hardware store. She Asks “Do you have any batteries” The clerk responds “Yes we do” The clerk gestures with his finger. “Can you come this way” the woman says “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need the batteries”.

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Posted: 01 July 2010 09:35 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 18 ]
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What’s your dad getting for Christmas? Bald and fat.

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Posted: 25 October 2010 04:47 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 19 ]
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For you engineers ( or friends of engineers) out there :

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things technical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints”. Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN “Normal people ... believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. ” The engineer took the frog out of hispocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. ” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”—-


... from:

http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/Impossib/AAAImp6.htm

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“Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

“Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.” ... H Simpson

“The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.”

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Posted: 26 October 2010 07:31 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 20 ]
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Miyako - 26 October 2010 02:24 PM

Two men went to climbing, one man fell to the mountain suddenly, the other guy was asking you: are you ok?
that falling man answered: i dont know…. i am still falling…
Lol

1979:  Thought provoking. 


2010:  Huh?

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Space…..it seems to go on and on forever, but then you get to the end and the gorrilla starts throwing barrels at you. - Phlip J. Fry

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Posted: 04 November 2010 05:56 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 21 ]
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said,

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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Seen on a tshirt - “If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic”

When life hands you lemons make apple juice. Then laugh while life tries to figure out how you did it.

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Posted: 31 December 2010 12:42 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 22 ]
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What do the Amish do for Halloween?

PUMP KIN

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Whether I will grow up to be the hero of my own life, I do not know.

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