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A few jokes…
Posted: 15 August 2009 07:47 PM   [ Ignore ]
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...from Reader’s Digest Online:


Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.” I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights.”

____________________________________

My sister worked at the ticket booth for a wildlife drive-through park. One day a woman drove up to the booth in a convertible. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” my sister said, “but the bears will destroy the top of your car if you drive it through the park. Would you like to use one of the junk cars we keep here for these situations?”

“A junk car?” the woman said reluctantly. “How about if I just put the top down?”

____________________________________

The milk shake machine at the fast-food restaurant I manage was broken, so I had an assistant post a sign to that effect on the drive-through speaker. A short time later, a customer pulled up to the speaker.

“May I take your order?” I asked.

Crash, boom, bang! came the response.

I asked the customer to pull around. “Were you pounding on the speaker?” I asked the driver.

“Yes, I was,” she admitted.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because the sign on the speaker said ‘Shake Machine Broken.’ ”

_____________________________________

And i really like this one:



My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: “press one” to activate the credit card. That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title “credit card activator.” As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, “How can I help you?”

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Posted: 15 August 2009 08:55 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Didn’t get the last one.

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Posted: 15 August 2009 10:25 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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I think it’s just one of those things like…If your specific job is to activate the card…and there’s ONLY one option on the menu…Aren’t you going to “help” by activating my carD??

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Posted: 16 August 2009 10:21 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Silver Caliber, The Illuminatus, Legionaire - 16 August 2009 12:55 AM

Didn’t get the last one.

She was supposed to ask for a milk shake.  wink

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Posted: 11 February 2010 10:14 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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A man walks in a doctors office ripping ‘Richter Scale ’ fart after fart.
“Doctor (PROTT!)I have really (TOOOT!) bad flatulence but it doesn’t smell at all!(THUNDERCRACK)”
“Ah i see…You are going to need an operation!”
“On my ass doc?”

“...No…on your NOSE!”

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“I have CDO. Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!”

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Posted: 11 February 2010 12:50 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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Lovely jokes.
I wont be telling any seeing as the ones i know are quite long…....and i dont want to type much….(hands hurt from moving the rocks) <—- im exploring a cave.

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Posted: 11 February 2010 01:11 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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Father O’Malley was hearing confessions when he had to go the bathroom.  He stuck his head out and saw Joe, the church janitor sweeping.  He called Joe over and asked him to sit in the booth and listen to confessions for a few minutes while he went and relieved himself. 

Joe said, “But I don’t know what penance to give out for sins”.
Father O’Malley replied, “There’s a chart on the wall.  Just find the sin and it tells you the penance”.

So Joe sits in the booth and the first confession is from a young lady who says that she is not married and performed oral sex on her boyriend.  Joe looks at the chart and can’t find oral sex anywhere on it.  So Joe sticks his head out the booth and sees Johnny, one of the alter boys.

Joe whispers to Johnny,“What does Father give for a blowjob”?
Johnny replies, “Usually a Hershey bar and a Coke”.

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Posted: 24 February 2010 03:29 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

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Posted: 24 February 2010 03:39 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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N E O - 24 February 2010 08:29 PM

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

LOL LOL LOL
Awesome…

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Posted: 24 February 2010 03:46 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

It’s making HEADLINES!

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Posted: 24 February 2010 04:31 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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N E O - 24 February 2010 08:46 PM

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

It’s making HEADLINES!

shut eye

LOL

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Posted: 24 February 2010 08:07 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everybody a drink?

 

A real fungi.

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