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Pretty bad vaguely religious joke
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Posted By:
Sharruma
Apr 19, 2005
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A Rabbi and a Roman Catholic priest are travelling together in a train and
it being a long journey they start to talk.
Rabbi : So what's your next move?
Priest : Well, if I'm lucky I might get a parish of my own
Rabbi : And then?
Priest : Well perhaps I'll be made a Canon and maybe even a Bishop!
Rabbi : And after that?
Priest : Well I suppose, it's just possible that I could become a Cardinal
Rabbi : Yes, and er, and what after that?
Priest : Well, it's ridiculous to think about it. But I suppose I could
become Pope!
Rabbi : And then?
Priest : Well that's it, Pope! There's only God after that.
Rabbi : Well, you never know, after all one of our boys made it.
*I'll claim to be sorry here, but if I was truely sorry I wouldn't press the
little submit button 😉*
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Comments
Smerk
in to mischief
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 | 11:06 PM
Good one, Sharruma! :lol: |
Winona
in USA
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 | 11:26 PM
lol, funny one. |
Myst
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 | 11:39 PM
Shame on you, Sharruma, but it is funny. :lol: Hehehe I guess that's shame on me too, I laughed at it. |
Accipiter
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 | 09:50 AM
Reminds me of another joke I once heard that was in a similar vein. . .let's see if I can remember it without mangling it too horribly:
A Jewish rabbi, a Catholic cardinal, and an Islamic imam meet at a religious conference and become friends. The cardinal invites the other two to the Vatican. While there, the rabbi notices a golden telephone on a pedestal.
"What's that telephone for?" he asks.
"Oh, that's our direct line to God. You can try it, but it's long distance so it will cost you 100 dollars."
Next the imam invites the other two men to his mosque. Again, the rabbi notices a golden telephone on an altar.
"What's that telephone for?" he asks.
"That's OUR direct line to God. You can use it if you want, but it's long distance. It will cost you only 50 dollars."
Finally, the rabbi invites the other two to his synagogue. When they arrive, they notice a plain telephone sitting on a table in the corner.
"What's that telephone for?" they ask him.
"Oh, well, we also have our direct line to God," he answers, "Go ahead and use it if you need to."
"How much will it cost?" asks the cardinal.
"Nothing. It's a local call," replies the rabbi. |
Citizen Premier
in spite of public outcry
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 | 05:46 PM
A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a boat that has just capsized. The monk yells, "We must save the children!" The rabbi replies, "Fuck the children!" Then the priest asks, "Do we have time?" |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 | 05:47 PM
Ha! It took me a second to get the first joke. I got the second one right away. Not bad. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 07:16 PM
Ok, it took me awhile to Sharruma's origional joke. I read it like 3 times and still didn't get it. In fact, I didn't get it until I read Accipiter's joke.
It's probably because I'm Jewish. My thoughts just don't go directly to Jesus, especially when it is something a rabbi is supposedly talking about. Interesting...
Here's a fun jewish joke to add:
An old Jewish woman, on her 80th birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and ask his advice on certain points. After all the monetary bequests are alotted, she tells the rabbi of 2 last requests. The first request is that upon her death she is to be cremated. The rabbi strenuously tries to change her mind, explaining that Judaism does not permit such a practice, but the woman is adamant and cannot be swayed.
Seeing the futility of his arguments, the rabbi asks, "and what is your second request?"
"I want my ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's"
"Bloomingdale's? Why Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure that my daughters will visit me twice a week!" |
Hairy Houdini
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 07:40 PM
a little old man goes before a judge, asking to have his name changed... the judge asks him his name, and the little old guy says, nice and loud: "Irving Lipshitz"... The judge agrees, a name change may be nice, and asks him what he wants to change it to. Without hesitation, the little old man says: "MOE Lipshitz" ba dum pum. Thank you, I'll here till Saturday. Be sure to bar your Tiptender, and drive safely |
Citizen Premier
in spite of public outcry
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 07:44 PM
My uncle changed his last name to Adams. But when people ask him about it, he just says, "No, my whole family just changed their last names to Horvitz." |
Smerk
in to mischief
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 08:04 PM
Reminds me of that joke in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
"You changed your name to 'Latrine'?" Prince John
"Yeah, it was 'Shithouse' before" The witch
Or words to that effect. |
Accipiter
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 09:31 PM
What is the Jewish view of Jesus, anyway? Are they like the Muslims, considering him to be a prophet but nothing more? Or do they simply consider him to be some schmuck who got on the wrong side of Roman law? |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 11:53 PM
No, actually very different from Muslims. Muslims actually have Jesus in the Koran, he is considered a part of their religion. Judaism is older than Jesus and therefore has no references to him. In other words, Jews just don't have any views of Jesus, other than individual views. Me? I think he was probably a good guy whose life has been misinterpreted throughout history. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 11:55 PM
Then again, you can't really go by me, I'm an atheist. |
andychrist
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 06:33 AM
Razela, since when does cremation go against the Jewish faith?
My mom once said, out of the blue, "I want to be cremated."
"Fine. Got a match?" I replied.
She smacked the **** outta me. 😕 |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 09:33 AM
Cremations been against the jewish faith for...ummm...the last few thousand years or so.
That's of course if you call it the Jewish "faith". I actually don't like to call it that because I see it more of a culture in modern times than a faith. It can be a faith too, but it depends on the person. I consider myself Jewish, but I'm also an atheist. If I required faith to be Jewish, I wouldn't be able to be.
That's why Judaism is the perfect religion for me anyways. If anyone ever told me what I can and cannot believe and then didn't give me any proof and told me I just needed to have "faith" in it, I'd quit pretty quickly. |
Winona
in USA
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 10:21 AM
The reform synagogue I used to go to didn't discourage cremation really. Cremation was considered an opportunity to do a mitzvah because it is cheaper than a regular burial...their view was that it is better to give money to charity than to bury it in the ground. |
andychrist
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 10:57 AM
"Cremations been against the jewish faith for...ummm...the last few thousand years or so."
Damn, that must be why my folks put up such a fuss when I tried cremating them! Gosh, if only they had explained that Jewish custom forbade such a practice, I would have buried them instead. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 11:11 AM
Interesting Winona. I really like reform Judaism because it encourages progressiveness and change. My synagogue in san diego has a female rabbi and a lesbian assistant rabbi. I couldn't be happier. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 11:12 AM
Andychrist, it probably wasn't the fact that they didn't want to be cremated that made your parents put up such a fuss. It was probably the fact that they were alive enough to put up a fuss while you were cremating them that got them so upset. |
Winona
in USA
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 11:13 AM
Raz: the main rabbi at this one was a guy, but the assistant rabbi was a woman. Out of all the synagogues I've been too that was definately the most inclusive... their Purim was legendary. 😊 |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 11:22 AM
Ooook, I finnaly get it. |
Accipiter
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 11:33 AM
Progressiveness and change can be good things in religion, but they can also cause problems. Each copy of the Koran is supposed to be the same as every other copy that is or was, but even with that consistency in Islam there are so many different interpretations of what the Koran means and so much strife over which interpretation is "right". Then you consider Christianity, where they change the Bible every other week; they have the same problems as the Muslims have, but compounded by the question of which is THE Bible. |
Citizen Premier
in spite of public outcry
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 04:28 PM
Is the Koran in the same language as when it was written? |
Citizen Premier
in spite of public outcry
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 04:31 PM
Razela, how exactly is it that you are Jewish and atheist? Last time I checked, Judaism involved a strong belief in God. |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 06:56 PM
Citizen, Jewish isn't just a religion or faith. It's something you're born into. In the Hebrew bible, Israel was it's own race. (From what I understand of it anyways...but Razela can go on & correct me if I'm wrong.) |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 06:57 PM
Ehh...I should have put " " around Israel. |
andychrist
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 10:09 PM
Why do Jews have big noses?
The air is free.
:lol: |
stork
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 10:10 PM
In our town, there's 30 mph two-lane highway that passes right between a fundamentalist Baptist church, with a Chritian Science Reading Room right beside it, and directly across the street, the only Jewish Synagogue in our county. The CSRR is very plain, but the Baptist church has a changeable, lighted sign in the lawn that features the most inane inventions of modern reliously-connectd sayings imaginable. New comments coming next week! I was, unfortunately raised in a fundamentalist household. However, I much prefer, and admire, the permanent Biblical quote that is displayed in a poured and engraved cement lintel above the door of the Synagogue, which reads, (sorry for the caps, but this is what it says) - MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER FOR ALL PEOPLES - I don't think it gets any more profound than that. To my Jewish friends, Shalom, and Happy Passover |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 | 01:39 AM
Meagan, I couldn't correct you if you're wrong. I actually have no idea. I kind of got a C in the Judaism section of my comparative religions class a few years ago in college. Sad, I know.
But basically citizen, Judaism is a religion, but it's also a culture. The thing that most non-Jews don't understand about Judaism, is that Judaism is not a faith based in the devine, but a faith based in life. There is not even a Jewish account of the afterlife. The whole idea is that whatever happens after death happens after death, but we need to focus on life. Judaism is all about how to live your life. There are lots of rules in Judaism, but it is also a very individualized religion, encouraging debate and questions. Hence why there are so many atheist Jews out there. The religion encourages asking questions rather than taking everything on blind faith.
A very religious Jew is probably deeply offended that someone calling themselves Jewish does not believe in God, but especially in America that is becoming more and more the case.
Sure, I don't really believe in God, but I believe in my culture and my family and my people. I go to services, am learning hebrew, have visited Israel, and make sure to celebrate all the holidays, but not because of my belief in God, but because I'm carrying on traditions from the history of my family. To me, that is more important than any God.
Does that help any? It really is a bit hard to explain. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 | 01:43 AM
Andychrist, that is one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard. I'm definitely telling that one at my seder on sunday! |
andychrist
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 | 01:28 PM
Chappy Paisach. |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 06:57 AM
I watched a story about Passover on the local college station. (PBS or something.) It was interesting...it showed the Orthodox Jews & their preparation...and then the Jews that had a more updated way of doing passover.
I thought the 18 minute matzo was neat...I didn't realize how it really was made. We had a Seder at church a few years ago. A lot really goes into doing it. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 12:11 PM
I actually hate matza, but considering I'm sitting here on passover eating left over girl scout cookies, I don't think matza will be too much of a problem.
I've never made matza before, though I was invited to do that today. I guess that is where I would be right now if I had actually wanted to wake up at like 8am. |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 12:19 PM
Yeah...it's not good, but it's made in 18 minutes. Rachel Ray should totally do a show about that!! (She IS the one that does the 30 minute meals right?) |
Evildream
in You mamas house
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 04:01 PM
that is funny |
Accipiter
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 07:15 PM
Citizen Premier: I can't say with any certainty since I wasn't actually around back in 632 AD when Mohammed was putting the final touches on the Koran, but it is supposed to be in the same language and unaltered still. |
Winona
in USA
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 09:40 PM
Why make matza when you buy it, they both taste pretty cardboardy. 😉 I do have a recipe somewhere for an awesome chocolate cake that is made with matza meal though. |
Razela
in Chicago, IL
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 | 02:35 AM
Actually, I make this super yummy chocolate toffee matza. It's a pain in the ass to make though because if you aren't quick cleaning the pans, the toffee or chocolate will harden. Also, everything has time limits, so for 3 hours you are just running around making it. There's no let-it-bake-in-the-oven-for-30-min time. |
Amanda
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 | 01:31 PM
I'm an atheist-jew. Most of my family is the same. I am very proud of being Jewish. Our people are so strong. I love being Jewish, but I cannot force myself to believe in a God. The culture is there, though. |
DFStuckey
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 | 10:44 PM
Having some Jewish lineage, I feel comfortable telling the following;
During the time of the Inquisition, The Pope in Marseille was being pressured to do something about the Jewish population, and from all sides of the matter. so, he decided he would hold a debate on theology with the Chief Rabbi to decide the matter. Problem was, the Pope spoke Latin and French, and the Cheif Rabbi spoke Aramaic, Hebrew and Polish only. However, they went ahead, setting two chairs facing each other in the town square.
The debate started. The Pope moved one hand around himself: The Rabbi pointed straight at the ground. The Pope held up three fingers, the rabbi countered with one. The Pope, looking bemused, brought out a commuinion wafer and a bottle of wine from a bag, and showed them to the Rabbi, who returned from his pocket an apple. The Pope stood and declared " The Jews may stay and be unmolested in this city!"
As the Pope walked away, his cardinals asked him what happened."You saw for yourself. I showed him God was all around us, he replied that He was with us here right now watching. I reminded him of the Blessed trinity, he pointed out that God is also one. Then, when I produced the blood and Body Of Christ that redeem us, he showed me the source of the need for redemption - Original sin. Such a wise man," Concluded the Pope," must lead a blessed people indeed."
On the Jewish side, people asked "Ba'al Rabbi, what happened?" The rabbi paused, and stroked his beard."Well, it was very odd. He said he was gonna round us up, I said we were staying put. He said we had three days to get out of town, I told him up his. Then, he showed me his lunch, I showed him mine, and for some meshugginah reason, he changed his tune . . . " |
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Note: This thread is located in the Old Forum of the Museum of Hoaxes.
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